Great Expectations

   What was the goal in having children?  Why give so much time and energy to someone else?  If you have never considered that question, it might be a good time to think about it.  I did not have a valid goal when I had my kids.  But now that my kids are moving toward adulthood, my goal is to release considerate, capable, emotionally functioning adults into the world who will affect positive change.  In other words, no slackers.
     Parents hate it when their kids underacheive.  Not only is it embarassing to have  to go to a meeting at school because your relatively-smart kid is failing a class, but it is scary to know that bad grades limit a child's college choices and a lifetime of opportunities.  If both parents made it through high school, they know that for a relatively-smart kid, getting good grades does not take a lot of effort.  It feels like everyone else's kid is in the National Honor Society and their kid is a total slacker.  This makes parents crazy.  What motivates our kids? Ah, that is the question.

The Carrot and the Stick

       An evening carriage driver in New York has to make three hundred dollars per night to avoid a day job.  A horse does not want to pull a carriage through crowded streets.  The driver of the carriage uses two tactics to achieve his goal.  To motivate the horse forward, he hangs a carrot on a stick in front of the horse.  Always happy for a snack, the horse moves toward the carrot.  If the horse slows down, the driver gives him a whack on his shank with a stick.  Startled by the sting, the horse moves away from the stick.  Either way, the carriage is pulled through the streets of NY.

    Well, I'm not going to smack my kid every time I want her to do the dishes or finish her homework.   No, but you know what your child wants.  

     Freshman Greta says intelligent things, asks intelligent questions, and every so often when she is engaged in an assignment, her eyes sparkle with ideas.  Most of the time, Greta is buried in her Facebook page or texting with her friends.  Her homework assignments are mostly finished on time, but are haphazard and sloppy.  She scrapes by with an 82 overall average.  Frustrated and knowing that high school grades are the most important item on college admission criteria, Greta’s parents put her on a study schedule.  When she ignores it, they take away her cell phone, then her computer, and finally television time.  Greta is now irritated with her parents and completely unmotivated. 

     Greta’s parents’ plan has backfired on them.  Any of this ringing a bell?

Step One: Figure out what motivates your child

     No one knows a kid’s motivations better than a parent, because their kid is constantly asking for things.  For Greta, the best carrot her parents can use is that she loves going to all of the school athletic events, parties, and spending time with her friends. 

     Studies show that learning new pieces of music helps children grasp math concepts.  Greta hated band in middle school and begged to be allowed to take dance instead.  The best stick they can use is the decision to put her back into the school’s band program for her sophomore year “to help her brain to function.” 

Step Two:  Set realistic expectations. 

A parent is only setting their child up for failure and themselves for frustration if they demand straight A's when the child has never acheived that in the past.    

Greta’s grades for the first semester were:

Algebra           80

Biology           82

Geography      74

Dance             95

Fresh. Course  90

Health             80

Spanish I        78

English           77

     Greta has never gotten higher than an 83 on an Algebra test and 85 on the homework (mostly she earns high seventies), so her average is an 80.  Her parents think that if she applies herself, she can get an average of 90 on her tests and a 93 on the homework, which would give her an overall average of 92.  But, looking at her past record, they compromise and set her target at an average of 85 on tests with a 90 on all homework for an average of 88.  This goal is reachable with effort.   They do this for each class.  Her parents’ goal was a bit too lofty and could have kept her unmotivated.  The process of compromise gave Greta ownership of the goal.  She has evidence that her parents are listening to her which helps to heal the relationship.  Keep in mind that the most important aspect is realistic expectations.

     Every time Greta wants to attend an event, she will log onto her school’s website and show her parents her grades.  If she has met the expectation, she gets to go, if not, she does not.  If she hits the target for all of her classes she does not have to go back to band next year.  Having this structure in place eliminates all screaming by her parents and sulking by Greta.  At the beginning of every semester, the process will begin again.  It is imperative that Greta and her parents set realistic expectations that motivate her to grow her brain.  If she is working hard (i.e. not constantly on Facebook while doing homework, asking for real help with specific problems, etc..) and not reaching the goal, then the expectations can be lowered.  It is imperative that her parents check up on how she is approaching the goal.  If she is still messing around when she has homework, her mom should take a photo to show proof that she was on Facebook when she was supposed to be studying and flash that at her when she insistes that she DID work hard.

     The concept of realistic expectations can be applied to household chores.  If kids have never done a job and don't understand all of the components of the job, they cannot possibly do it thoroughly or well.  Breaking down a job into specific expectations makes doing the job successfully much easier.  Telling the child "clean the kitchen" is not a great direction if he does not have a blueprint of what a "clean kitchen" requires.  Once he understands all of the components, there can never be that wide-eyed "You never told me" look again.


     This system is also an inadvertant Mama Bubble.  Mamas are doing too much for their kids to "help them." Homework is a review of what the teacher already taught--don't let them tell you that the teacher did not teach it in class--teachers have to turn in their lesson plans and spend most of their time talking to children who are texting each other on their phones under the desk.  If Greta was not paying attention in class, it is not her mother's job to learn the material and re-teach it to her. She needs to get the 54 on the homework. Benjamin Franklin said, "The things that hurt, instruct."  You must refrain from jumping in at the end to save your child from failure.  This process works only if you tell yourself and your kiddo that you will not be doing their homework for her or running around at the end of the semester to do extra-credit projects, so that she does not have to go back into band.  

If a child does not have the opportunity to experience the fact that work equals accomplishment, she does not know how strong, smart, or capable she really is.