The Emergency Money Diet

Hello!  Thank you to everyone who has passed this blog along to your friends and family! We had 10,500 hits as of this week! I am amazed and appreciative of the requests and as I have shared with some of you, I am hard at work putting together a collection to publish before Mother's Day. That said, a very good friend of mine lost her job last week. It is with a heavy heart that I present for her and for anyone else dealing with this crisis:

The Emergency Money Diet

On Friday afternoon you are let go from your job with two weeks’ pay and a heavy urge to find the nearest bar and drink yourself into oblivion.  Hangovers actually feel worse now that you are over thirty, so buy a decent bottle of wine and steaks to grill and keep yourself busy until you are ready to tell the spouse.

Are you crazy? I can’t afford wine and steak. You just drove past a bar that serves a 14.00 glass of Pinot Noir.  You are not doomed to eating cereal every night for the rest of your life. Everyone should be allowed a bit of time to adjust their thinking to a shock like that.  Feel free to crawl into your hole for the evening, even if you spend it playing your son's Mariokart on the Wii until 2am.

Tomorrow begins a temporary adjustment to your life.  Yes, I said temporary.  Most crises such as these do not last forever.  It isn't cancer.  But, it could last a while and though you cannot "fix" the situation right away, this is a good way to take hold of it and give yourself some control.

Saturday—Big breakfast day—make pancakes from scratch, fried eggs, and fruit.  Heat the syrup, so it pours more easily and the kids don't waste as much.

Do not say "Screw it" and figure that you will go out to eat four days this week.  Make a meal plan for the week and put together the grocery list right after breakfast.

Skip the movie and shopping today--You and your kiddos can fix something in the house, such as changing batteries in the smoke detectors or burned out light bulbs or do some yard work together.  I'm not kidding; kids think cleaning the garage is fun.

Big Saturday night event--Make homemade pizza for dinner with a tossed salad and play a board game--I highly recommend Wits and Wagers.

 

Sunday—Don't skip Sunday School for the kids—great place for them to socialize and for you to learn a little something, even if the coffee is bad ; ) 

Hit the grocery store right after church, before it gets crazy—take coupons if you get the paper, but NO impulse buys, stick to your list.  Cancel the paper.  If you have parents or grandparents who clip coupons, send them an email and tell them what is going on and that you could really use their help to be thriftier—they will absolutely LOVE you for this and will send every coupon you request. 
 

It is Rubber Chicken Day One.  Put one large roasting chicken on your list.  I am about to show you how to stretch it into three meals.

Tell your kids what is going on--only enough that they can handle--you can present in in a way that makes it seem like an adventure. This is going to be rough, but not if everyone understands and is actively part of the team. They, and you, will be stronger as a family on the other end of this.

Shopping tips
Buy only the necessities: lean hamburger, chicken, pork chops; fresh fruit you know your kids will eat for snacks; sweet and roasting potatoes are a great way to fill up teenage boys--make them mashed and then load the skins with cheese and bacon for their appetizer; largest size bags of frozen veggies  (they actually have more nutrients because they are frozen so quickly; cold cuts for breakfast and lunch sandwiches; thin sliced bagels and whole grain bread; avoid the cost of things that are pre-made to save--blueberry muffin mix is less than a dollar--if you throw in two handfuls of real blueberries, they are better than Starbucks. Buy a giant can of diced tomatoes at Costco (2.50) and add it to sautéed onions, mushrooms, a tablespoon of garlic, and oregano for a light but delicious spaghetti sauce--freeze the other three portions and add it to ground hamburger or meatballs.  

Buy boxes of crackers and cookies, not individual packages and frozen concentrate juice instead of juice boxes—you don't have to pack lunches for your kids to go to daycare anymore, so these items are WAY cheaper.  (Ten 6 oz. juice boxes are $2.99 vs. paying $1.49 (I add twice as much water as is called for to keep them from getting used to such a high level of sweetness) for fourteen 6 oz servings –that's half the price and no trash.  If you have school age kids, buy a big box of sandwich bags to pack individual servings—it is still cheaper than the pre-packaged stuff.  The last time I checked, milk and juice cost .50. I endorse Mio--great way to add some variety to water without the calories and now it comes in a 24 servings bottle.

Big dinner day—roast your large chicken, cook brown rice with 2 bouillon cubes, make gravy from the drippings, and steam a green vegetable. Serve your family meal around 3pm.  You still have time to take a walk afterwards. Keep in mind that an adult serving of chicken is about the size of your fist or about 3 oz. We are so used to giant portions in this country that we have lost sight of the idea that we are not trying to fatten 'em up, but keep 'em alive.

Save every bit of meat from the bones and put the bones into some water to simmer with 1/3 onion and some celery.  Cool and refrigerate.  Put the other third into a plastic ziplock bag.  You will need it Tuesday.

Monday—Substantial breakfast, middle –size lunch, small dinner (good energy and weight management) is always the plan. If you have put on a few pounds, with this uncertainty in your life, you are likely to lose some of it, but with careful eating and exercise, you can look great for interviews when it is time.

Little Kid Project--
What can you sell on Ebay?  Go through toys and clothes that your kiddos may have outgrown. If you bundle them into a group and offer them for 20.00, they will probably sell.  What purses or jackets have your barely used?  As long as you charge enough for shipping, you can recoup some of your money.  Collectibles that someone gave you?  Picture frames?  Save plastic grocery bags for stuffing around breakable items for shipping.

Little Kids--Take your kiddos for a walk to the park, hike around the neighborhood, and walk to get the mail every day.  They love the outing and it gets you out of the house and moving your body.

Cancel your cleaning service—did you know that vinegar and hot water cut grease?  The smell fades when it is dry. Vinegar is also a miracle cure for animal urine.

How much did it cost you to work?  Review your expenses—this can be really painful, but if you think of it as temporary, like camping, it can make a huge difference.  Check over all of those debit charges that you do for and while working. If your teenagers constantly buy music on iTunes--kill the debit card link. Your teenagers need to get babysitting gigs, part-time jobs, or offer to do yard work/wash cars/clean decks for anyone who will pay them 50.00. Demand that they save no less than half of their money.

How much do you really spend on gas, Starbucks, dry cleaning (because you don't have the time to iron), lunches, clothes, hair products and makeup (it is totally freeing to put on sunscreen and chapstick and throw your hair in a ponytail four days a week), eating out because you just don't have the energy to cook, childcare, doctor's office visits for ear infections, individually packaged food and drinks for your kiddo's lunches, manicures, pedicures, massages?  It all adds up and a lot of the time, just cutting this stuff out can get you very close to where you need to be.

Not enough?  Do you have two car payments?   If you traded-in one of the fabulous cars, could you get one that is "just fine" for half the payment or none at all? What if you sold your teenager's hotrod and shared your Accord? How much is the difference on your insurance? Call insurance company for a breakdown of what you pay.

Your Budget --yes, you must assign a job to every dollar you have.
My list of necessities (and of Dave Ramsey) is 1. food 2.  lights/gas  3. mortgage--after that I think 4. gas for the car 5. car insurance 6. 1 phone--everything else is negotiable. Try to keep your credit rating good--a bad credit rating affects your car insurance rates.
 

Dinner—hamburgers, homemade fries (thinly sliced potatoes), and steamed mixed veggies

Tuesday--Look at your bills.How many cable boxes do you have in your house? Take all but one back to the cable company and demand that your kids read--their SAT scores will pay for part of their college if they start now.   What electric vampires are you using? Anything not regularly in use needs to be unplugged.  What automatic things are being charged on your credit card?  Do you really need them? Can you now qualify for the improved interest rate adjustment on your mortgage? Call your bank and ask if you can have your interest rate lowered. Does everyone in your family have a cell phone? Kill your home phone if  you barely use it.

What can you sell on Craigslist?
Get into your garage and look at all of the toys and tools gathering dust. Check ebay and Craigslist to set prices, but you can get quite a bit of money from bikes, strollers, backyard toys, trampolines, unopened paint, loose wrenches, boxes of nuts, bolts, and screws. If you need to move for a new job, you won't have to be in a panic trying to pack up all of the stuff or pay someone to haul it away for you.
 

Little Kid Project--Have your kiddos "sort" all of your Tupperware stuff by putting the lids on all of the containers.  No lid or no container—put it in the Goodwill bag. Emptying your house of clutter will help your brain function more effectively.

Little Kid Job—make the juice.  One of your plastic pitchers becomes the official juice container.  Put a can of frozen juice concentrate in the pitcher, add twice as much water to the pitcher as is called for (gets them used to things with less sweetness) and mark the level with a permanent marker.  Now when it is your child's turn to make the juice, they don't have to measure and spill, just put the pitcher in the sink, add the concentrate, add the water to the line and stir.  Voila!  They can do something helpful without a sticky mess.

Put a serving of snack in a little cup or bowl instead of eating out of the box—keeps the kids and you from ruining your dinner and wasting food.

2^nd night of chicken—take the second 1/3 of chicken meat and make sour cream chicken green sauce enchiladas (usually the best enchilada sauce is the cheapest one on the shelf), a casserole, or Cream of Chicken spaghetti with a green salad.

Wednesday—Make a job chart and post it—you don't have to buy stickers, just use a pen or colored pencil to keep track of your kiddo's progress.  Kid job—gather the trash from all of the trash cans in the house.  If you give them a dry cleaners bag with one end tied, kiddos can usually manage emptying little wastepaper cans into it. 

We like to start our job week on Wednesdays, so that we get a treat in the middle of the week. Good job approval gets to go pick out a new book or puzzle at Half Price Books or Goodwill. 

Find your library and join it.  They always have a story time during the week.  You can borrow books, audio books, and movies all paid for by your tax dollars.  Your kiddos may even make some new friends who like to read.

Little Kid Project—take pieces of tin foil and make costumes out of it and then read any book on knights or princesses.

Pizza and Salad Night!  California Kitchen has great pizza in the frozen food section. Until the kids love salad, make a big bowl and just let them eat right out of it--they think they are getting away with something!

Thursday—Start a journal on your computer about your progress for weight, ebay, household handyman jobs you finish—it does help to see that you are accomplishing things at home over time.

Where can you and your kiddo volunteer?  Is there a retirement home nearby that encourages kids to come and bring their artwork?

You are being a homemaker, right?  So make it what you feel is a home.  Throw out/send to Goodwill parts of things that will never be fixed, clothes you never wear, and all the little bits of clutter that remind you that you have not finished them.  They do not really matter if they have not been missed for a year.  Clean and organize one drawer in your bedroom in 30 minutes—set your timer and finish that one small job. Again, if you have to move for a new job, it will cost less to haul all of this stuff away or move it.

 Make pudding for dessert.  It is cheap!

Final night of the rubber chicken—Chicken and Dumplings.  Heat the broth, then strain out all of the bones, celery, etc...  Add the last 1/3 of chicken to it and dissolve chicken bullion cubes (1 cube/12 oz).  Taste it and add salt if needed.  Add some frozen green beans if you want.

Dumplings: 1 cup flour, 1 tsp salt, just under 1 tsp baking powder, enough milk to make it dough.  Roll out flat on a floured surface and cut into strips.  Place the strips on top of the simmering chicken and broth.  Cover and cook about 10 min and serve. 

Friday—You made it!  Look at your debit spending this week compared to last week.  Tomorrow you plan for the following week, but now you have the momentum. 

Plan to exercise.  Buy good shoes and go for short runs.  Cancel the gym membership.  Most cable companies offer a workout channel that has everything from cardio dance to yoga.  You are already paying for this, so use it. 

Special Dinner night—No going out for $75.00.  Don't order that 10.00 glass of wine.  Get a large rib eye for you and your husband to split (again, no one needs more than 3 oz of red meat at a serving) and a little sirloin for the kiddos.  Bake potatoes and steam some veggies.  Find a bottle of wine for around 8.99—I'm not kidding, there are a lot of good ones that are fabulous if you let them breathe for an hour.

 

Be Honest with someone you trust.  This stuff is hard and without support, it will be harder.  You don't know if you don't ask, but you may have friends who want to join you on your money diet! 

If you haven't already, one of you should join Costco.  Buy stuff in bulk and split it (giant pork chops) or store for later.  If you pay $110.00 (55.00 each) for the executive level, you get a check at the end of the year for 2% of everything you buy—except gas.  If two families are using it pretty regularly, then the check usually covers the membership fee and you can both go to lunch on the balance to celebrate.

Do errands together with the kids.  It sounds like hell, but it is actually one of the best tricks.  The kids talk to each other while you moms visit and get your errands all done.  Make a map for the day to maximize time and save gas.  Take turns driving every other week.

            So, now the hard part begins. If you are like my friend, her job has evaporated and there are no positions within 500 miles of her home. It may be time to re-think your career. If you were in marketing, can that be restyled to apply for a sales job? If you were a business person and have your MBA, can you teach business courses at a university? The answer is yes. Cry really hard, go for a walk or run when you feel like crap, and when you can, embrace this opportunity that has been set before you. It is always darkest before the dawn, but know this, if you look for it, there is light.

Food as a Need

     To celebrate the beginning of the school year tomorrow, now would be a good time to check on the Mama’s Needs.  After your kiddos head off to school and you are in the house with only the little ones or Alleluia yourself, where are you in your Needs?

     Quick review. According to the Mother Board Handbook our Needs are air, water, food, shelter, sleep, medical treatment, physical activity, an honest, loving relationship with our spouses, and one real friend. Necessary clothing is important, but nothing dies if you don’t have it. Everything else comes after.

     Let’s go back to the Needs Quiz (June 30) and talk about food.  Since you took that quiz, how has the one thing you wrote down to change improved your life?  If you forgot all about it, that’s okay. Tomorrow is a great day to put the pop tart down.

     Food is necessary, but the kind of food we need to  fuel our ability to think clearly and fuel our bodies for movement is probably not  what we think of when ch0osing what to eat. Just because you are not in school, does not mean that you do not need your brain to function at a higher level.

     Where we were told that grain-based foods should be the foundation of all of our meals, I am finding that using that guideline only makes me fat. If I switch the if I'm being honest huge bowl of cereal for Greek yogurt with blueberries and strawberries (huge antioxidant foods) and a piece of grainy toast, I have the energy for a three-mile run and two loads of laundry.  Eating half an apple with peanut butter at 10:30am keeps me from wanting a 600-calorie cheeseburger for lunch, so that I can enjoy a small plate of re-heated chicken and brown rice with broccoli.  Getting ahead of my hunger keeps me out of the junk food I crave when I allow myself to get depleted.

               Everyone has been in a grocery store with this one:  While standing in line to pay for groceries, a toddler wants candy.  The mama absently says, "no."  Having had only a pop tart and juice box three hours ago, the child cries.  The child screams that she is starving and begins to wail.  The grandmas in the line raise their eyebrows. The mama, her mind straddling the thought that people are seeing evidence that she has a terrible child (ergo she is a terrible mother) and knowing she had better hold her ground or all will be lost, repeats a quivering “no” to her little beast.  The child, hearing the uncertainty in her mama’s voice and realizing her own power in front of all of these people, lashes out physically and hits her mama.  Mentally exhausted because she did not feed brain-supporting food to herself, the mama picks up the candy and takes half before giving the child the rest.  All the grandmas shake their heads. 

     Let's back up. 

     One must always feed the mama and the kiddo a proper meal before going to the grocery store.  Even a snack will avoid the meltdown that may occur.  Mamas must keep in mind that toddlers are especially irrational when they are hungry.  Rationality is the mama's job.  The mama knows that candy tastes way better than chicken and brown rice with broccoli, so it is up to the mama to feed the kiddo before taking her into the wonderful land of stimulating, colorful, tasty treats. 

     Now that both the mama and the toddler are not cross-eyed crazy hungry, the Mama Bubble can be drawn. 

     The child wants candy—they always want candy.  The mama says, "No."  The child cries. 

     The mama gives child "the look."  "The look" is a flat stare, narrowing of the eyes, looking dead-on into the child's eyes without breaking the gaze.  Eventually, the child will look away--this how the mama knows she has won. Works with dogs, too.

     I did realize at one point that I have said “no” out of habit.  Occasionally, I allow one appeal.  It has to be a well-thought out appeal with good reasoning.  “If you buy me this, I will clean my room” bribes are instantly thrown out.  This exercise encourages them to understand how to make a logical argument.  “I ate all of my lunch and rode my bike 3 miles today, so could I please have this small bag of Skittles?” is a reasonable request.

     I'm feeling a little like a slug.  My kids have eaten pizza or fast food every night this week.  Yep, mine, too.  Celebrate the fact that it was fun and easy and move on.  Since the need for brain-food begins in earnest this week, eat lunch and make your list of what health-supporting meals you can make for you and your family BEFORE you go to the grocery store today. Otherwise, you will buy random items that look like they taste good, including that huge bag of chips you will open and eat in the car on the way home. As a side note, your kids’ lunches will be healthier if you do not take them to the grocery store with you. Mamas know that kids will eat the apple slices for a snack if the lunchboxes contain only apple slices and not chewy fruit snacks, but it is hard not to give in when we are having our own anxiety over how our kids will do in their new class.

     The lazy days of summer are over for now. It is a new start for everyone tomorrow. Fish and nuts help you to have better recall. If you have cancer in your family or a lot of allergies, antioxidants can help both of those issues.  Digestion problems? Make sure you grab the apples. I just heard on our local news channel that the healthiest population drinks two glasses of red wine per night!  Wahoo! To begin to have a balanced life, we must feed ourselves and our brains before tackling the challenges that are to come.

 

Nobody Listens to Me and the Consequences

          My kids and I have discussed their role in this endeavor and we have come to the agreement that I will not use their actual names, but words which describe one characteristic of each of them.  This grants them the option, when questioned, to deny that they were the offending child in any of the blogs.  You have already been introduced to “Ferret” and “Techie.”  I am now allowed to present “Quick” and “Duchess.”

This may sound familiar to you…

     While at my family’s mountain cabin packing for our rafting trip, I tell my nine-year-old playing with his lacrosse stick to bring down the day bag sitting on the sofa upstairs. 

     (Acts like he doesn’t hear me).

     “Darling boy child of mine, please get the day bag. Upstairs.  Sofa by the window.”

     He picks up his lacrosse stick and disappears up the stairs. I continue gathering items, chatting with Pam/Mother Board member, throw two mugs into the dishwasher, etc… then I realize that the boy is still missing.

     “Quick!” I holler in irritation and irony.

     “Yes?”

     “Bring it to me!”

     “Quick” appears two minutes later… with my purse. 

     “No one listens to me,” I tell Pam.

     Pam, mother of two boys who has watched me and my kids for years, smirks and raises her eyebrows.

     “It’s because they don’t have to,” she tells me. “You are asked to repeat yourself and you do, constantly.  There’s no consequence.”

Crap.  She’s right.  Get their attention, say the direction once. If they ignore you, nail with the consequence.  It should have gone like this:

Quick wants to go outside and play lacrosse, but I need help packing for the rafting trip.

             “Quick, put down the lacrosse stick and come here.”  (Walks over, looks up) “I need you to get the day bag.  It is upstairs on the sofa.  If you are back here in two minutes, I will let you go outside, if not, no lacrosse, got it?  Repeat to me what you are getting and where it is.”

            He does.  Bag retrieved, happy mama, happy boy.

            Clear. Concise.  Especially with boys.  Repeating yourself drains the energy out of you and teaches your children not to listen.  Yes, we are all overwhelmed, but everyone can improve their attentiveness.

            But not following a parent’s directive in order to explore their own way of doing things is also part of a child’s normal break from being a child to becoming a young adult. Applying eyeliner above the lashes rather than below, positioning the head of the bed by the door rather than the foot, and using honey instead of syrup on their pancakes are small inconsequential choices that are not harmful and are a perfect way for children to explore their options and find out what works well for them and what does not.  It is the dangerous choices that need to be discussed out loud, with consequences explained where parents must have their child’s attention.  Unsafe driving, alcohol and drug experimentation, and sex with multiple partners all must be addressed well in advance of the behavior.

            My kids are still young.  I don’t want to bring that up now.  Actually, you do.  In my upper-middle class neighborhood, we have had our share of horror stories.  A freshman boy and his friends were playing a drinking game with their own version of shots –a solo cup half-full of vodka instead of a true shot of 1.5 ounces—and he got on a losing streak.  The freshman’s heart stopped twice during transport to the hospital. Two seventh-graders were caught in the middle school bathroom having anal sex, "because," the girl said, “it was not real sex and I'm still a virgin.”  A local pediatrician, Dr. Jill Grimes was appalled to find that one out of five of her patients tested positive for not one, but multiple sexually transmitted diseases.  Things are not the same as they were when we were growing up, my friends.  Now is not the time for our kids to be ignoring us.

            Most psychologists will agree that parents have until their child is fourteen to make the biggest impression on them.  At that point, the child begins to break away from the role of child to find his way into adulthood.  Friends become more important than parents.  It is normal, but very sad for the mamas and can be fraught with danger for their children.  The corollary of buying and using methamphetamines, loss of appetite (the draw for girls) and staying awake (the draw for high school and college students), must be counteracted with the knowledge of extreme tooth decay and severe depression (Morrison).  The key to keeping your child safe is to face these conversations without embarrassment or hesitancy. 

            There are safeguards to be put into place before your child is in middle school.  Setting requirements and boundaries establishes these ideas in a child’s brain and gives her a caution light when she is on her own.

            Duchess never wanted to be corrected on how she drove the car.   It was clear that she was trying to assert her independence in this new venue. Therefore, before being allowed to get her driver’s license, in addition to the State’s requirements, we required that she save and submit to us a deposit of $500.00 and find a way to pay $150.00 per month to pay for her car insurance.  The $500.00 was to cover the expenses of a traffic ticket (fees and defensive driving—happened once) or pay the deductible in case she had an accident.  Since it took her over three months to scrape together the $500.00 in the first place, Duchess was extremely careful to leave enough space between her car and the other vehicles on the road.  After a year of driving without an accident, her insurance went down to $121.00 per month, then the following year it dropped to 96.00.  This is a real-world consequence of good behavior for teenage drivers.  We did get a phone call from a friend who witnessed one lane-change transgression and called us to let us know.  When Duchess got home a few minutes later, we nailed her with the information, fined her $30.00, and grounded her for the night.  Astonished, she actually laughed out loud and bowed to the ground in submission to our abilities to see and know all.  God will provide the power of knowledge for parents who seek and appreciate it.

            Before dating, I highly recommend that each child read a book written by Dr. Grimes. Seductive Delusions, John Hopkins University Press, is a shocking, well-written book that every teen should be required to read before becoming sexually active.  I paid each of my kids a dollar per case to read it when they turned thirteen.  No, I do not expect my kids to be sexually active in high school, I expect them to be informed.  Knowledge takes time to sink into a brain and better they know before heading into a situation than after. You can order the book from her website:

http://www.jillgrimesmd.com/seductivedelusions.html

            What is coming down the road for our kids?  We cannot foresee everything, but as their only parents, it is our obligation to provide as much fact-based information to them as we are capable of giving. These are only two examples of thinking ahead for our kids.  The first step, getting them to listen early, makes the more difficult conversations infinitely easier and may be the road to them saving their own lives day after day.

Grimes, Jill. Seductive Delusions.  Baltimore. John Hopkins University Press, 2008. book. http://www.jillgrimesmd.com/seductivedelusions.html

Morrison, William. “Meth Addiction.” Web. myaddiction.com. 19 Aug 2012. http://www.myaddiction.com/methamphetamine.html

The Expectation of Happiness

          Instead of WELCOME, my best friend gave me a doormat that says “GO AWAY”.  I laughed hysterically when I first saw it and placed it at my front door immediately.  Any time we get a solicitor, I smile, point down at the message, then yell through the glass “Sorry, can't open the door.  My dog will eat you!”   Now that he is over 75 pounds and has a ferocious bark, it works every time.  I think the angel statue wearing the bicycle helmet balances the sentiment, but I do move the doormat into the garage at Christmastime as a show of good cheer.

             Another friend asked to borrow the doormat from me the other day.  Her youngest daughter just moved home after graduating from college to “save money.” 

            “You know whose money ISN’T being saved? Mine!” she said. Brianna had two job offers and turned them both down because she does not want to leave the great state of Texas. Last week, since she was so bummed out that she does not have a job, she bought a $300.00 Chihuahua puppy with the last of her graduation money because it would …ready?...give her something to be happy about.  I listened to her rant for almost forty minutes, vowing to myself that I would not take notes and use this story in any writing at any time, but she said, “I wish someone had told me to teach my kids that the best happiness is the happiness you get after overcoming a difficult experience.  Her happiness was a huge part of our parent-child conversation.  I thought having a secure childhood would make her more capable, not less."  The happiness requirement our kids have is overcoming the urgency of necessity.

            Almost twenty years into this mothering program, I realize that all of the theories I had about having children and rearing children have given way to the realities of doing it.  My early thoughts on parenting were formed by my negative and positive childhood experiences, but if I am honest with myself, my childhood had happy moments.  My childhood was not all happy and as a parent I want happy kids, but to what level?  Happy for eighty percent of the time? Forty?  When did we become so focused on happiness?  What percent of the time are mamas or daddies happy?  In fact, a good percentage of the time we are bored and frustrated, but even that serves a purpose. Frustration is the first response to a challenge.  Overcoming challenges is what makes new connections in a brain.  Perhaps it is time to re-think our goals for our kids.  Is the most important aspect of a career to provide happiness or to provide shelter, food, and clothing?  Brianna's mom would like a do-over, this time she would like to request her own Mother Board.

            Brianna (age 3) is at the playground.  She wants a turn on the slide, but is afraid of the stairs.  The playground is designed for ages 2-4, so physically, she can handle it.  She cries in frustration.  Brianna’s mama, wanting her child to be happy, reacts to her crying by 

Choice # 1

             lifting her over the stairs to the top of the slide every time

This does not allow the desire to have fun overrule the fear of falling, it confirms that Brianna is not capable, and it also makes Brianna’s mama her playmate, not giving Brianna the opportunity to learn to play with her peers

or

Choice #2
                sitting down on a bench and calling to Brianna “Go for it, Baby!” then looking away as if she expects Brianna to be able to do it.  Guess which one the Mother Board would encourage?  If Brianna overcomes her fear and does it herself, she realizes true value in her accomplishment.  She will access this memory of achievement every time she faces a fear until the next one reestablishes that knowledge and so on.  She builds her own basis of success.

            Sadness and happiness are reactions. When our little kids are disappointed or sad, mamas have the tendency to try to divert the sadness by introducing a positive stimulus to the child (favorite ice cream/candy/watch a favorite movie) or stepping in and doing the task for them.  The obesity rate in children in the United States has gone from 6.5% in the 1990’s to 20% in June of 2012 (Pandita). That is over 25 million children who are at least ten percent over the recommended weight for their age and height. Why is it that in the last twenty years our obesity rate has blown up? Could it be that the latch-key kids have grown up to be over-indulging parents to make up for our own unhappy childhoods? We think this will help, but what it really does is keep the child from learning that sadness is not debilitating and that picking herself up and trying another way is the key to success. If little ones are not given this chance, it only gets worse.  

            Brianna is now a junior varsity cheerleader at her high school with her friends.  Despite the fact that she is the least strong member of the team and has a slight sprain of her ankle which happened on the stairs at school, she tries out for the varsity squad.   The results are that she is the only one of her friends who is placed back on the JV squad.  Brianna is devastated.  Her mama, still the well-meaning, attentive parent wanting her daughter to be happy, goes to the school to re-explain that her daughter had an injury that happened at school and question why her daughter was not placed on the varsity squad.  The school says that they were aware of the medical situation, but that during the previous year Brianna had not shown that she has the ability to be on the varsity squad yet.  The next step her mama takes will determine Brianna’s emotional growth for this situation.  Her mama can:

Choice #1

                   threaten a lawsuit, forcing the school to give her a spot

                  Requires no growth on Brianna’s part and places her in an awkward position   
                   with the rest of the squad who legitimately earned the honor
                                                   or

Choice #2

                    help Brianna lay out a plan to deal with Brianna’s feelings of embarrassment and                     encourage her to practice to improve her performance level enough to make the                     varsity squad for her senior year.

Take a wild guess which one the Mother Board would encourage? 

Children who never have to deal with disappointment or embarrassment do not have the capability to deal with disappointment or embarrassment when they are adults.  They also have a hard time feeling empathy for other people who are experiencing these emotions. Almost always, it is those who have experienced great hardship who are the most compassionate.  Diamonds are not found lying in a bed of clover, they are formed deep within the earth under great heat and pressure.  These moments must be embraced. Encouraging a child to know they can and will overcome a difficult situation can be all the fuel the child needs to triumph over themselves. If the mama approaches a challenging situation with a positive attitude, she teaches her kiddo to do the same. 

The generation of parents before us did not respond to their children as ours does.  With two working parents, we were left home alone and were expected to do our homework, fold the laundry, and start dinner.  We thought this was tantamount to child slave labor, but to what end has this “helicopter parenting” brought our kids? 

Because of her mother's strategic blocking, Brianna has not experienced a major disappointment in her life, so as an adult, how will she respond when she does?  How many puppies will she buy?  How many bowls of ice cream will she eat to answer the lack of happiness? 

 Where children twenty or thirty years ago were made to do chores, have jobs, walk to school, and go play outside, learning to handle ourselves among our peers and overcome our fears without holding the hands of our parents, the concerns of today's parents have kept our kids closer to us.  We might have hated the frustration and uncertainty at the time, but looking at what we have been able to accomplish, some of that forced independent activity is the reason for our success as adults.  Our kids, under our watchful eyes, spend a great deal of time snacking in front of video games and the computer.   Yes, the safety factor was not as much of an issue for us as it is now, but we have gone guardrail to guardrail, overcompensating for the small percentage of monsters by not only protecting our children from them, but from failure.  Apparently, the outcome of our over-involved parenting is a generation of kids with expectations of "being happy" who will hit the colleges and job markets without having suffered and overcome the small challenges of childhood. 

  

Pandita, Rahul. "Child Obesity Statistics in America." Buzzle.com. Web. 15 June 2012

The Christian Grey Phenomenon

Alert--For those of you who have the ear of teenagers who are about to enter their senior year of high school and plan to attend college: the acceptance of college applications begins on August 1 for most schools. It has become a big deal because in a lot of desirable schools, the application process is no longer just something that reflects the student's abilities, but a race. Texas Christian University had enough applications to fill their class on August 31, 2010, only 31 days into the process. I highly recommend that if the teenager you know is not clear about where they want to go, they need to get onto collegeboard.org to start their search. Apply to no less than six schools and go visit the campuses as soon as possible.

Warning: this piece is not appropriate for a Sunday morning, anyone under the age of 21...or my dad

          A very good friend asked if I had read the Fifty Shades of Grey series. Honestly, because I was now seeing it in the middle of the grocery store aisle, I had purchased the first one, but had not made it very far into the story. 

            “You HAVE to read it.  It made me absolutely crazy,” she confessed. “I had extremely vivid dreams all night long. I couldn’t sleep!” she gushed. She was one of about ten friends who were raving about it.

            “Why would you lie wriggling in your bed when you have a perfectly good husband lying right there beside you?” I asked her.

            “I can’t do that! He’d think I was nuts! Plus, he can’t do what Christian Grey can do. I'd rather just dream about a kitchen pass for him.”

            The one relationship where love is supposed to encourage and allow all truth and you are not going to share with him? The fantasy is always better than reality, however, we too often let the fantasy hinder movement forward.

                        I apologize, but I must to do this first. In my mind, there are two kinds of fiction, authentic and manipulative. Authentic fiction builds a moving story around a moral and illustrates a clear theme—I would highly recommend the fabulous examples of The Elegance of the Hedgehog or The Poisionwood Bible. Manipulative fiction has little depth, but manipulatively plays on the psychology of the reader—examples are any “chick lit” or romance novel.

The story of Christian Grey and Ana Steel is the exploitation of any teenage girl’s daydream that she is so special and so beautiful and so desirable that she inspires the unattainable bad boy to become husband material. Do not get me wrong, the book is being marketed to thirty-somethings, but the author is writing to the sixteen-year-old in all of us. The idea of being dominated releases the societal binding of “appropriate good girl behavior” to awaken the subdued carnality in us all. The manipulative brilliance of the author in using the name Christian  and making Ana a virgin invites the normally pious to read on. This series is Beauty and the Beast, Twilight, The Thorn Birds, and Gone With the Wind, only with graphic sex. The fact that the author made the main female character an English major and used a thesaurus sporadically does not make it well-written.

However…women, especially tired mamas after a long day, can have the tendency toward being slow to warm up to their husbands. Could it be that it is not the exhaustion of the day, but the years of stifling her own desire to adhere to the wifely image that curbs her enthusiasm? Did I say that nicely? For generations, society dictated its Victorian era view of sex onto the impressionable minds of its teenage girls, suppressing their innate desires by making them think that sexual desire is “bad”. What?  They are all having sex! The STD rate is skyrocketing! True, but that has everything to do with the way we were raised and the way we are raising our girls to think about sexual desire. The discomfort of the subject for the mamas casts it into the shadows, allowing us and our girls to remain silent with each other about the topic. Without understanding or knowledge, young girls in search of understanding to the awakenings in their bodies, respond to the boys’ lead, in hopes that they know what they are doing. Perhaps our girls would wait to experience sex in a healthier environment if they were encouraged to be the one to lead their partner in what is enjoyable for them. Clearly, males are not as complex as females. Most likely, they would appreciate the direction.

Perhaps the first step in changing the taboo of discussing female desire is for mamas to embrace their own. As noted, I cannot recommend the Grey books on their literary merit, but if a mama desires certain aspects of the sexual relationship Christian Grey provides, she should not wonder who will be cast as the character for the movie and keep her daydreams to herself.  A good place to start would be reading enticing sections of the book aloud to her husband. After his jaw hits the floor, it may be just the key he has been searching for all along.

          I hope you are enjoying reading the Mama Bubble pieces as much as I am enjoying writing them.  I am headed off to the wonderful world of minimal Internet access until August 6.

         

Keeping Up With The Joneses

Creating A Healthy Environment

     Why is it that just before my birthday, the one person who makes me feel the most insecure gets a new car?  I do not need a new car or desire to spend my emergency fund money on something other than an emergency, but right before my birthday, if she gets a new car, I want a new car.  That little green monster starts whispering in my ear that I am falling behind and I must keep up with those Joneses and I, like the insecure idiot I can be, panic, adding pressure to my bubble. 

     In every neighborhood, there are Joneses.  (Yes, my last name is Jones, but forget that point for now).  They have thick lawns edged with begonias, a sparkling pool, a new Escalade, bags of new clothes, and every other item you desire and they tell you about it.  That is how they let you know they are the Joneses.  The Joneses invite you to come sit on their picture perfect, Southern Living porches, drinking iced tea with mint this makes them seem so nice, but their sole purpose in life is to be impressive to others, because they do not think they are valuable people themselves.  They judge every single item of clothing and piece of jewelry and decorative piece of fluff you own by comparing yours to theirs and bragging that theirs is better.  Having this kind of presence in your life is a huge light-blocker.

     The pressure of meeting the Needs of our husbands and children is a lot.  We do not need to add pressure by surrounding ourselves with the Joneses who help create a load of Wants in our heads.  Keeping up with the Joneses is the main reason that families have credit card debt.  

     The truth of people who want everyone to think they “have it all” is that they don’t feel as if they do.  They have what they have, but the feeling of contentment is usurped by a list of troubles and emotional baggage and insecurities.  Rather than learning how to feel more valuable, they react to the list by negatively criticizing others to elevate how they feel about themselves.  It does not work, but that is the only way they know how to handle their insecurity.  Their insecurity blinds them to good things that happen to anyone “below them,” because they are so focused on impressing the Joneses above them.

     For others who are insecure, it is easy to become swept up in this mess.  For instance, when your kids start going to school, joining a carpool does not require a new Cadillac Escalade to impress the Joneses, or a used Escalade.  To keep solid in your Mama Bubble, qualify what the point of a carpool is.  A carpool gives each mother the opportunity to skip sitting in traffic, save gas, and invest that time toward achieving a goal.  As a bonus, it gives the kids a chance to socialize.  The Joneses use a carpool as an opportunity for braggadocio. If you are in a carpool where the members are the type who feel the need to brag about their vacation plans (“I have just GOT to make our airline reservations for Belize or we will all get stuck in economy”), create another carpool.  It would better serve you to drive your kids yourself than to be exposed to people with so little self-assurance. 

     If you happen to live around nice people who have nice stuff, but do not brag about it, and you are feeling insecure and jealous, you have several healthy Mama Bubble options:

a.      Embrace the fact that your vehicle is paid for and give it a good cleaning to reward it for its faithful service

b.      Turn up the volume on Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and sing along with your passengers—it makes your car the “fun” car--they will love you for it and love riding with you

c.       As always, repeat the following: I will not add pressure to my bubble

    

     Kind, thoughtful friends who belong on your Mother Board do not put pressure on each other to impress one another.  Friends name your eight-year-old vehicle Penelope and cheer when she only needs brake pads instead of a total overhaul of the brake system.  Friends encourage solid behavior (saving up and paying cash for a new car) rather than damaging behavior (telling you to just go get a new car because you deserve it).

       A good question to ask ourselves is “What is my value in my friendships?”  If you are coming home from someone else’s house and feeling badly about yourself, you need to recognize that that is not a healthy relationship and it is really unhealthy to spend a lot of time pouting about a list of Wants.  If you come home from someone else’s house and you feel smart and funny, that is a good indication that you have spent valuable time with a friend.

     If we, as mamas are influenced by the insecurity of others and allow that negativity to effect our decisions, how can we teach our kids to make healthy choices?  What does it look like to them?  It models that Wants and people who focus on Wants are more important than those we Need.  Perhaps it is time to do some cleaning of the Mama’s soul and stop allowing the Joneses to use her as a tool to temporarily prop up themselves.  Letting go of relationships is never easy, but making the goal of creating a healthy environment for ourselves and our families makes these difficult decisions necessary.

     Everyone wants.  Especially me.  If I let myself work it through and not act impulsively, eventually I will talk myself straight, but surrounding myself with healthy friendships is a requirement for this healthy behavior.  The more I celebrate what I have, the happier I am. 

The Needs Quiz

Quick review.  According to the Mother Board Handbook, in a nutshell, our needs are water, air, food, shelter, sleep, medical treatment, physical activity, an honest, loving relationship with our spouses, and one real friend. Necessary clothing is important, but nothing dies if you don’t have it. Everything else comes after. 

       It may be time to re-arrange your order of importance. A few basic carbohydrates do not a good day make.  If a person cannot sleep undisturbed because they are being awakened by small children and sharing their bed with said beasties, that person will not be able to think clearly the next day.  If the house has a leak that goes unfixed because the credit card limit has been met with a family vacation to Disneyworld to keep up with the damn Joneses, the safety of the family is uncertain.  If we argue ineffectively with our husbands, it puts everyone on edge and sits at the forefront of our kids' minds, blocking their ability to mature.  If a mama gets liposuction, but does not fill her refrigerator with fresh vegetables, there is no Mama Bubble in place.  Needs are needs.  They must be filled for the mama to be a healthy example for the kids.

Fill in the blank or circle one of the following:

Water

1. I drink about _________ glasses of plain water per day.  I think my body needs_______ glasses of water per day.

2. I shower AS OFTEN or NOT AS OFTEN as I would like.

Air

3. I  DO or DO NOT    take time to breathe deeply when things get hectic.

4. I    DO or DO NOT    get out of my house into the fresh air.

Food

5. I eat ________ servings of vegetables and fruit every day.  I think my body needs

________ servings of vegetables and fruit every day.

6. I    DO or DO NOT    plan balanced, healthy menus for myself and my family.

Shelter

7. My home    IS or IS NOT    safe for me and my family.

Sleep

8. I    DO or DO NOT    sleep soundly through the night.

Medical Treatment

9.    I know my cholesterol, thyroid, and hormone levels

10.   I      KNOW or DO NOT KNOW the results of my pap smear

11.   I      HAVE or HAVE NOT had my mammogram in the last twelve months.

12.   I       AM or AM NOT  up to date on my dental checkups and procedures.

Physical Activity

13. I exercise ______ hours per week.  I think my body needs ______ hours of exercise per week.

An honest, loving relationship with my spouse

14. I spend ______% of my time thinking about the good things about my spouse and ______% on what I would like to be different about him.

15. I told him Thank You ______ times today. 

 One Real Friend

16. The one person I can count on to be honest with me, even if I get mad for a little while, is

            _______________________________________________________

So, are you content with your answers?  

No?  Okay, change one thing that would make you feel content.

     Something to think about before you write down what you would change:

     Water is the best drink ever.  It helps flush the toxins out of your system without adding very many new ones to it--unlike colas or processed energy drinks. 

     If you are one of the thousands of new moms with an infant, you are one of thousands of moms with a new infant who lives with baby urp on the front of her shirt and in her hair.  These days are over in the blink of an eye, so when your baby is ready for his morning cat nap, put him in his crib (I know, you really like holding him when he sleeps, but remember, a shower is something that will make you feel human and benefit the others living with you), and go wash your hair.  The monitor works the bathroom, I promise.   If you are the proud parent of a clinging two-year-old, it is time to set a boundary. Is there a safe place for your child to watch a Barney DVD for 15 minutes that is within earshot of a shower stall?   Put a snack in a kiddo bowl, fill the sippy cup, and turn on the DVD. Put up a gate to the door of the safe place and tell your child that you are going to have your bath. If she screams the entire time, at least you know where she is.

     *Keep a bar of white soap under your bathroom sink to treat the stains on your shirt while you wait for the water to heat. 

To feel content about Water

_________________________________________________________________________

     Oxygen helps the brain think more clearly (Brizendine M.D., The Female Brain ).  If you react without breathing, then your decisions most likely are not going to have the desired effect.  Stopping and taking four deep breaths may feel like eternity, but it will save you in the long run.

     Yes, you can carve out time outside for yourself.  Small steps.  “I want to make my front yard look pretty” is totally doable.  Rome was not built in a day, but five thirty-minute sessions should have you feeling a lot better about your front flower beds. If you have to have your kiddos with you, haul the port-a-crib outside and throw some netting over it—babies love watching bugs fly around as long as they don’t touch or eat them.  If they aren’t babies, you can hand them the weeds to put into the trash bag or give them the small hand trowel to loosen the dirt.  You are not trying to make your yard perfect for others walking by, you are trying to take care of yourself.  Want fresh squash?  Buy a small plant at the nursery and remember to water it--they are incredibly prolific.

Air __________________________________________________________________________

     “I get fast food all of the time or we eat out a lot because I don’t remember to pull the meat out of the freezer” has to be the one thing I hear the most. 

     *Set an alarm on your phone or clock radio in the kitchen every morning to check your menu and take out the meat.  Write down the vegetables you need from the store.  Simple small steps will make your life easier.  Again, buy a squash plant.  If you are feeling really adventurous, buy a tomato plant and a cage--your kids with think that growing food in the backyard is the coolest thing ever.

     If one eats only a pop-tart for breakfast, there cannot be great accomplishment at work or school.

Food ________________________________________________________________________

     A safe place to sleep is the most important goal of a shelter.  Deadbolts must work.  Gas cannot leak.  Furniture and televisions cannot topple over onto toddlers.  Dogs cannot bite.  These are some of the things that must be attended to for you to have peace.  If your request is going to be cosmetic in nature, move on. 

Shelter_______________________________________________________________________

     You must sleep.  Children who wake up and come to your bed in the middle of the night must be placed back into their own bed.  Period.  Now that you are changing their routine, it will take a few nights of firm boundary setting, but this must be accomplished for you to function.

     A snoring husband needs medical attention.  You can try over-the-counter remedies, but you must be honest with him and say out loud that his snoring is causing you to not function effectively (i.e. forgetting things he needs).

Sleep________________________________________________________________________

     Yes, your health is important to your entire family and if you neglect yourself now, it will make your older age miserable.  Even the airlines tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first, before securing your child’s.  Small things turn into big things if left unattended, especially teeth!  “I have no money for that” can be handled with putting fifty dollars into an envelope every month to cover these checkups or your doctors may have payment plans if you need to see them immediately.  A small infection can lead to a major infection that can put you into the hospital which can cause MAJOR financial issues.  Do not be penny-wise and pound-foolish.

Medical Treatment_____________________________________________________________

     If you want to write down that a marathon is your goal, you had better be able to run five miles with no problem right now otherwise you are about to put up a giant road block. 

     Set a realistic goal if you are a slug right this minute.  Think Cardiovascular health.  “I want to run two miles three times a week” is a reachable goal for a slug.  Yes, you feel like a fraud at the beginning, but people who run regularly will cheer you on in their minds as they see you struggling at the beginning and other slugs will think you are better than they are for just getting out there.  Pick a light post.  Slowly run to it.  Catch your breath.  Pick the next one down the street.  Make your way around your neighborhood for two miles.  The next time, your body will remember what you did and react more favorably, and within six weeks, you will be running the entire thing and thinking about where to get the money for smaller shorts.

Physical Activity________________________________________________________________

     If you spend ninety percent of your time thinking about the ten percent that is not good in your marriage, you are like most of the wives in the world.  Do you want your husband thinking the same way about you?  When was the last time you initiated something sexual?  “He doesn’t treat me the way I want to be treated” is only blocking you from having a better relationship with him.  This one takes additional mental conviction (especially if you work outside the home, too), but see what response you get when you tell him “Thank you for going to that job and supporting all of this for the kids and for me.”

An honest, loving relationship with your spouse________________________________________

     If you called this person and told her that you feel like you have fallen off of a cliff into a very dark place, what would that person say?  Is the person you wrote down capable of attending to the statement, or would she brush it off with “Oh, you’re okay.  Everyone has bad days.  Let’s go shopping.”  A real friend would ask “How long have you felt this way?” and if it is longer than a couple of weeks, she would tell you it is time to go see your doctor.  She would hand you your phone and stand there while you made the appointment and then keep your kids when you go.  Husbands and sisters can be the best friends of your life.  Do not discount their value.

One real friend____________________________________________________________________

     Nothing is perfect and everyone has areas of their Needs that need attention.  Do not let the overwhelming idea of "perfect" paralyze you into not moving forward at all.  Make your list and make time in your day to attend to the improvements you desire. 

Permission to copy is granted by the author for personal use only.

Copyright 2012, Nancy Bellamy Jones