Food as a Need

     To celebrate the beginning of the school year tomorrow, now would be a good time to check on the Mama’s Needs.  After your kiddos head off to school and you are in the house with only the little ones or Alleluia yourself, where are you in your Needs?

     Quick review. According to the Mother Board Handbook our Needs are air, water, food, shelter, sleep, medical treatment, physical activity, an honest, loving relationship with our spouses, and one real friend. Necessary clothing is important, but nothing dies if you don’t have it. Everything else comes after.

     Let’s go back to the Needs Quiz (June 30) and talk about food.  Since you took that quiz, how has the one thing you wrote down to change improved your life?  If you forgot all about it, that’s okay. Tomorrow is a great day to put the pop tart down.

     Food is necessary, but the kind of food we need to  fuel our ability to think clearly and fuel our bodies for movement is probably not  what we think of when ch0osing what to eat. Just because you are not in school, does not mean that you do not need your brain to function at a higher level.

     Where we were told that grain-based foods should be the foundation of all of our meals, I am finding that using that guideline only makes me fat. If I switch the if I'm being honest huge bowl of cereal for Greek yogurt with blueberries and strawberries (huge antioxidant foods) and a piece of grainy toast, I have the energy for a three-mile run and two loads of laundry.  Eating half an apple with peanut butter at 10:30am keeps me from wanting a 600-calorie cheeseburger for lunch, so that I can enjoy a small plate of re-heated chicken and brown rice with broccoli.  Getting ahead of my hunger keeps me out of the junk food I crave when I allow myself to get depleted.

               Everyone has been in a grocery store with this one:  While standing in line to pay for groceries, a toddler wants candy.  The mama absently says, "no."  Having had only a pop tart and juice box three hours ago, the child cries.  The child screams that she is starving and begins to wail.  The grandmas in the line raise their eyebrows. The mama, her mind straddling the thought that people are seeing evidence that she has a terrible child (ergo she is a terrible mother) and knowing she had better hold her ground or all will be lost, repeats a quivering “no” to her little beast.  The child, hearing the uncertainty in her mama’s voice and realizing her own power in front of all of these people, lashes out physically and hits her mama.  Mentally exhausted because she did not feed brain-supporting food to herself, the mama picks up the candy and takes half before giving the child the rest.  All the grandmas shake their heads. 

     Let's back up. 

     One must always feed the mama and the kiddo a proper meal before going to the grocery store.  Even a snack will avoid the meltdown that may occur.  Mamas must keep in mind that toddlers are especially irrational when they are hungry.  Rationality is the mama's job.  The mama knows that candy tastes way better than chicken and brown rice with broccoli, so it is up to the mama to feed the kiddo before taking her into the wonderful land of stimulating, colorful, tasty treats. 

     Now that both the mama and the toddler are not cross-eyed crazy hungry, the Mama Bubble can be drawn. 

     The child wants candy—they always want candy.  The mama says, "No."  The child cries. 

     The mama gives child "the look."  "The look" is a flat stare, narrowing of the eyes, looking dead-on into the child's eyes without breaking the gaze.  Eventually, the child will look away--this how the mama knows she has won. Works with dogs, too.

     I did realize at one point that I have said “no” out of habit.  Occasionally, I allow one appeal.  It has to be a well-thought out appeal with good reasoning.  “If you buy me this, I will clean my room” bribes are instantly thrown out.  This exercise encourages them to understand how to make a logical argument.  “I ate all of my lunch and rode my bike 3 miles today, so could I please have this small bag of Skittles?” is a reasonable request.

     I'm feeling a little like a slug.  My kids have eaten pizza or fast food every night this week.  Yep, mine, too.  Celebrate the fact that it was fun and easy and move on.  Since the need for brain-food begins in earnest this week, eat lunch and make your list of what health-supporting meals you can make for you and your family BEFORE you go to the grocery store today. Otherwise, you will buy random items that look like they taste good, including that huge bag of chips you will open and eat in the car on the way home. As a side note, your kids’ lunches will be healthier if you do not take them to the grocery store with you. Mamas know that kids will eat the apple slices for a snack if the lunchboxes contain only apple slices and not chewy fruit snacks, but it is hard not to give in when we are having our own anxiety over how our kids will do in their new class.

     The lazy days of summer are over for now. It is a new start for everyone tomorrow. Fish and nuts help you to have better recall. If you have cancer in your family or a lot of allergies, antioxidants can help both of those issues.  Digestion problems? Make sure you grab the apples. I just heard on our local news channel that the healthiest population drinks two glasses of red wine per night!  Wahoo! To begin to have a balanced life, we must feed ourselves and our brains before tackling the challenges that are to come.

 

Nobody Listens to Me and the Consequences

          My kids and I have discussed their role in this endeavor and we have come to the agreement that I will not use their actual names, but words which describe one characteristic of each of them.  This grants them the option, when questioned, to deny that they were the offending child in any of the blogs.  You have already been introduced to “Ferret” and “Techie.”  I am now allowed to present “Quick” and “Duchess.”

This may sound familiar to you…

     While at my family’s mountain cabin packing for our rafting trip, I tell my nine-year-old playing with his lacrosse stick to bring down the day bag sitting on the sofa upstairs. 

     (Acts like he doesn’t hear me).

     “Darling boy child of mine, please get the day bag. Upstairs.  Sofa by the window.”

     He picks up his lacrosse stick and disappears up the stairs. I continue gathering items, chatting with Pam/Mother Board member, throw two mugs into the dishwasher, etc… then I realize that the boy is still missing.

     “Quick!” I holler in irritation and irony.

     “Yes?”

     “Bring it to me!”

     “Quick” appears two minutes later… with my purse. 

     “No one listens to me,” I tell Pam.

     Pam, mother of two boys who has watched me and my kids for years, smirks and raises her eyebrows.

     “It’s because they don’t have to,” she tells me. “You are asked to repeat yourself and you do, constantly.  There’s no consequence.”

Crap.  She’s right.  Get their attention, say the direction once. If they ignore you, nail with the consequence.  It should have gone like this:

Quick wants to go outside and play lacrosse, but I need help packing for the rafting trip.

             “Quick, put down the lacrosse stick and come here.”  (Walks over, looks up) “I need you to get the day bag.  It is upstairs on the sofa.  If you are back here in two minutes, I will let you go outside, if not, no lacrosse, got it?  Repeat to me what you are getting and where it is.”

            He does.  Bag retrieved, happy mama, happy boy.

            Clear. Concise.  Especially with boys.  Repeating yourself drains the energy out of you and teaches your children not to listen.  Yes, we are all overwhelmed, but everyone can improve their attentiveness.

            But not following a parent’s directive in order to explore their own way of doing things is also part of a child’s normal break from being a child to becoming a young adult. Applying eyeliner above the lashes rather than below, positioning the head of the bed by the door rather than the foot, and using honey instead of syrup on their pancakes are small inconsequential choices that are not harmful and are a perfect way for children to explore their options and find out what works well for them and what does not.  It is the dangerous choices that need to be discussed out loud, with consequences explained where parents must have their child’s attention.  Unsafe driving, alcohol and drug experimentation, and sex with multiple partners all must be addressed well in advance of the behavior.

            My kids are still young.  I don’t want to bring that up now.  Actually, you do.  In my upper-middle class neighborhood, we have had our share of horror stories.  A freshman boy and his friends were playing a drinking game with their own version of shots –a solo cup half-full of vodka instead of a true shot of 1.5 ounces—and he got on a losing streak.  The freshman’s heart stopped twice during transport to the hospital. Two seventh-graders were caught in the middle school bathroom having anal sex, "because," the girl said, “it was not real sex and I'm still a virgin.”  A local pediatrician, Dr. Jill Grimes was appalled to find that one out of five of her patients tested positive for not one, but multiple sexually transmitted diseases.  Things are not the same as they were when we were growing up, my friends.  Now is not the time for our kids to be ignoring us.

            Most psychologists will agree that parents have until their child is fourteen to make the biggest impression on them.  At that point, the child begins to break away from the role of child to find his way into adulthood.  Friends become more important than parents.  It is normal, but very sad for the mamas and can be fraught with danger for their children.  The corollary of buying and using methamphetamines, loss of appetite (the draw for girls) and staying awake (the draw for high school and college students), must be counteracted with the knowledge of extreme tooth decay and severe depression (Morrison).  The key to keeping your child safe is to face these conversations without embarrassment or hesitancy. 

            There are safeguards to be put into place before your child is in middle school.  Setting requirements and boundaries establishes these ideas in a child’s brain and gives her a caution light when she is on her own.

            Duchess never wanted to be corrected on how she drove the car.   It was clear that she was trying to assert her independence in this new venue. Therefore, before being allowed to get her driver’s license, in addition to the State’s requirements, we required that she save and submit to us a deposit of $500.00 and find a way to pay $150.00 per month to pay for her car insurance.  The $500.00 was to cover the expenses of a traffic ticket (fees and defensive driving—happened once) or pay the deductible in case she had an accident.  Since it took her over three months to scrape together the $500.00 in the first place, Duchess was extremely careful to leave enough space between her car and the other vehicles on the road.  After a year of driving without an accident, her insurance went down to $121.00 per month, then the following year it dropped to 96.00.  This is a real-world consequence of good behavior for teenage drivers.  We did get a phone call from a friend who witnessed one lane-change transgression and called us to let us know.  When Duchess got home a few minutes later, we nailed her with the information, fined her $30.00, and grounded her for the night.  Astonished, she actually laughed out loud and bowed to the ground in submission to our abilities to see and know all.  God will provide the power of knowledge for parents who seek and appreciate it.

            Before dating, I highly recommend that each child read a book written by Dr. Grimes. Seductive Delusions, John Hopkins University Press, is a shocking, well-written book that every teen should be required to read before becoming sexually active.  I paid each of my kids a dollar per case to read it when they turned thirteen.  No, I do not expect my kids to be sexually active in high school, I expect them to be informed.  Knowledge takes time to sink into a brain and better they know before heading into a situation than after. You can order the book from her website:

http://www.jillgrimesmd.com/seductivedelusions.html

            What is coming down the road for our kids?  We cannot foresee everything, but as their only parents, it is our obligation to provide as much fact-based information to them as we are capable of giving. These are only two examples of thinking ahead for our kids.  The first step, getting them to listen early, makes the more difficult conversations infinitely easier and may be the road to them saving their own lives day after day.

Grimes, Jill. Seductive Delusions.  Baltimore. John Hopkins University Press, 2008. book. http://www.jillgrimesmd.com/seductivedelusions.html

Morrison, William. “Meth Addiction.” Web. myaddiction.com. 19 Aug 2012. http://www.myaddiction.com/methamphetamine.html

The Expectation of Happiness

          Instead of WELCOME, my best friend gave me a doormat that says “GO AWAY”.  I laughed hysterically when I first saw it and placed it at my front door immediately.  Any time we get a solicitor, I smile, point down at the message, then yell through the glass “Sorry, can't open the door.  My dog will eat you!”   Now that he is over 75 pounds and has a ferocious bark, it works every time.  I think the angel statue wearing the bicycle helmet balances the sentiment, but I do move the doormat into the garage at Christmastime as a show of good cheer.

             Another friend asked to borrow the doormat from me the other day.  Her youngest daughter just moved home after graduating from college to “save money.” 

            “You know whose money ISN’T being saved? Mine!” she said. Brianna had two job offers and turned them both down because she does not want to leave the great state of Texas. Last week, since she was so bummed out that she does not have a job, she bought a $300.00 Chihuahua puppy with the last of her graduation money because it would …ready?...give her something to be happy about.  I listened to her rant for almost forty minutes, vowing to myself that I would not take notes and use this story in any writing at any time, but she said, “I wish someone had told me to teach my kids that the best happiness is the happiness you get after overcoming a difficult experience.  Her happiness was a huge part of our parent-child conversation.  I thought having a secure childhood would make her more capable, not less."  The happiness requirement our kids have is overcoming the urgency of necessity.

            Almost twenty years into this mothering program, I realize that all of the theories I had about having children and rearing children have given way to the realities of doing it.  My early thoughts on parenting were formed by my negative and positive childhood experiences, but if I am honest with myself, my childhood had happy moments.  My childhood was not all happy and as a parent I want happy kids, but to what level?  Happy for eighty percent of the time? Forty?  When did we become so focused on happiness?  What percent of the time are mamas or daddies happy?  In fact, a good percentage of the time we are bored and frustrated, but even that serves a purpose. Frustration is the first response to a challenge.  Overcoming challenges is what makes new connections in a brain.  Perhaps it is time to re-think our goals for our kids.  Is the most important aspect of a career to provide happiness or to provide shelter, food, and clothing?  Brianna's mom would like a do-over, this time she would like to request her own Mother Board.

            Brianna (age 3) is at the playground.  She wants a turn on the slide, but is afraid of the stairs.  The playground is designed for ages 2-4, so physically, she can handle it.  She cries in frustration.  Brianna’s mama, wanting her child to be happy, reacts to her crying by 

Choice # 1

             lifting her over the stairs to the top of the slide every time

This does not allow the desire to have fun overrule the fear of falling, it confirms that Brianna is not capable, and it also makes Brianna’s mama her playmate, not giving Brianna the opportunity to learn to play with her peers

or

Choice #2
                sitting down on a bench and calling to Brianna “Go for it, Baby!” then looking away as if she expects Brianna to be able to do it.  Guess which one the Mother Board would encourage?  If Brianna overcomes her fear and does it herself, she realizes true value in her accomplishment.  She will access this memory of achievement every time she faces a fear until the next one reestablishes that knowledge and so on.  She builds her own basis of success.

            Sadness and happiness are reactions. When our little kids are disappointed or sad, mamas have the tendency to try to divert the sadness by introducing a positive stimulus to the child (favorite ice cream/candy/watch a favorite movie) or stepping in and doing the task for them.  The obesity rate in children in the United States has gone from 6.5% in the 1990’s to 20% in June of 2012 (Pandita). That is over 25 million children who are at least ten percent over the recommended weight for their age and height. Why is it that in the last twenty years our obesity rate has blown up? Could it be that the latch-key kids have grown up to be over-indulging parents to make up for our own unhappy childhoods? We think this will help, but what it really does is keep the child from learning that sadness is not debilitating and that picking herself up and trying another way is the key to success. If little ones are not given this chance, it only gets worse.  

            Brianna is now a junior varsity cheerleader at her high school with her friends.  Despite the fact that she is the least strong member of the team and has a slight sprain of her ankle which happened on the stairs at school, she tries out for the varsity squad.   The results are that she is the only one of her friends who is placed back on the JV squad.  Brianna is devastated.  Her mama, still the well-meaning, attentive parent wanting her daughter to be happy, goes to the school to re-explain that her daughter had an injury that happened at school and question why her daughter was not placed on the varsity squad.  The school says that they were aware of the medical situation, but that during the previous year Brianna had not shown that she has the ability to be on the varsity squad yet.  The next step her mama takes will determine Brianna’s emotional growth for this situation.  Her mama can:

Choice #1

                   threaten a lawsuit, forcing the school to give her a spot

                  Requires no growth on Brianna’s part and places her in an awkward position   
                   with the rest of the squad who legitimately earned the honor
                                                   or

Choice #2

                    help Brianna lay out a plan to deal with Brianna’s feelings of embarrassment and                     encourage her to practice to improve her performance level enough to make the                     varsity squad for her senior year.

Take a wild guess which one the Mother Board would encourage? 

Children who never have to deal with disappointment or embarrassment do not have the capability to deal with disappointment or embarrassment when they are adults.  They also have a hard time feeling empathy for other people who are experiencing these emotions. Almost always, it is those who have experienced great hardship who are the most compassionate.  Diamonds are not found lying in a bed of clover, they are formed deep within the earth under great heat and pressure.  These moments must be embraced. Encouraging a child to know they can and will overcome a difficult situation can be all the fuel the child needs to triumph over themselves. If the mama approaches a challenging situation with a positive attitude, she teaches her kiddo to do the same. 

The generation of parents before us did not respond to their children as ours does.  With two working parents, we were left home alone and were expected to do our homework, fold the laundry, and start dinner.  We thought this was tantamount to child slave labor, but to what end has this “helicopter parenting” brought our kids? 

Because of her mother's strategic blocking, Brianna has not experienced a major disappointment in her life, so as an adult, how will she respond when she does?  How many puppies will she buy?  How many bowls of ice cream will she eat to answer the lack of happiness? 

 Where children twenty or thirty years ago were made to do chores, have jobs, walk to school, and go play outside, learning to handle ourselves among our peers and overcome our fears without holding the hands of our parents, the concerns of today's parents have kept our kids closer to us.  We might have hated the frustration and uncertainty at the time, but looking at what we have been able to accomplish, some of that forced independent activity is the reason for our success as adults.  Our kids, under our watchful eyes, spend a great deal of time snacking in front of video games and the computer.   Yes, the safety factor was not as much of an issue for us as it is now, but we have gone guardrail to guardrail, overcompensating for the small percentage of monsters by not only protecting our children from them, but from failure.  Apparently, the outcome of our over-involved parenting is a generation of kids with expectations of "being happy" who will hit the colleges and job markets without having suffered and overcome the small challenges of childhood. 

  

Pandita, Rahul. "Child Obesity Statistics in America." Buzzle.com. Web. 15 June 2012