Keeping Up With The Joneses

Creating A Healthy Environment

     Why is it that just before my birthday, the one person who makes me feel the most insecure gets a new car?  I do not need a new car or desire to spend my emergency fund money on something other than an emergency, but right before my birthday, if she gets a new car, I want a new car.  That little green monster starts whispering in my ear that I am falling behind and I must keep up with those Joneses and I, like the insecure idiot I can be, panic, adding pressure to my bubble. 

     In every neighborhood, there are Joneses.  (Yes, my last name is Jones, but forget that point for now).  They have thick lawns edged with begonias, a sparkling pool, a new Escalade, bags of new clothes, and every other item you desire and they tell you about it.  That is how they let you know they are the Joneses.  The Joneses invite you to come sit on their picture perfect, Southern Living porches, drinking iced tea with mint this makes them seem so nice, but their sole purpose in life is to be impressive to others, because they do not think they are valuable people themselves.  They judge every single item of clothing and piece of jewelry and decorative piece of fluff you own by comparing yours to theirs and bragging that theirs is better.  Having this kind of presence in your life is a huge light-blocker.

     The pressure of meeting the Needs of our husbands and children is a lot.  We do not need to add pressure by surrounding ourselves with the Joneses who help create a load of Wants in our heads.  Keeping up with the Joneses is the main reason that families have credit card debt.  

     The truth of people who want everyone to think they “have it all” is that they don’t feel as if they do.  They have what they have, but the feeling of contentment is usurped by a list of troubles and emotional baggage and insecurities.  Rather than learning how to feel more valuable, they react to the list by negatively criticizing others to elevate how they feel about themselves.  It does not work, but that is the only way they know how to handle their insecurity.  Their insecurity blinds them to good things that happen to anyone “below them,” because they are so focused on impressing the Joneses above them.

     For others who are insecure, it is easy to become swept up in this mess.  For instance, when your kids start going to school, joining a carpool does not require a new Cadillac Escalade to impress the Joneses, or a used Escalade.  To keep solid in your Mama Bubble, qualify what the point of a carpool is.  A carpool gives each mother the opportunity to skip sitting in traffic, save gas, and invest that time toward achieving a goal.  As a bonus, it gives the kids a chance to socialize.  The Joneses use a carpool as an opportunity for braggadocio. If you are in a carpool where the members are the type who feel the need to brag about their vacation plans (“I have just GOT to make our airline reservations for Belize or we will all get stuck in economy”), create another carpool.  It would better serve you to drive your kids yourself than to be exposed to people with so little self-assurance. 

     If you happen to live around nice people who have nice stuff, but do not brag about it, and you are feeling insecure and jealous, you have several healthy Mama Bubble options:

a.      Embrace the fact that your vehicle is paid for and give it a good cleaning to reward it for its faithful service

b.      Turn up the volume on Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and sing along with your passengers—it makes your car the “fun” car--they will love you for it and love riding with you

c.       As always, repeat the following: I will not add pressure to my bubble

    

     Kind, thoughtful friends who belong on your Mother Board do not put pressure on each other to impress one another.  Friends name your eight-year-old vehicle Penelope and cheer when she only needs brake pads instead of a total overhaul of the brake system.  Friends encourage solid behavior (saving up and paying cash for a new car) rather than damaging behavior (telling you to just go get a new car because you deserve it).

       A good question to ask ourselves is “What is my value in my friendships?”  If you are coming home from someone else’s house and feeling badly about yourself, you need to recognize that that is not a healthy relationship and it is really unhealthy to spend a lot of time pouting about a list of Wants.  If you come home from someone else’s house and you feel smart and funny, that is a good indication that you have spent valuable time with a friend.

     If we, as mamas are influenced by the insecurity of others and allow that negativity to effect our decisions, how can we teach our kids to make healthy choices?  What does it look like to them?  It models that Wants and people who focus on Wants are more important than those we Need.  Perhaps it is time to do some cleaning of the Mama’s soul and stop allowing the Joneses to use her as a tool to temporarily prop up themselves.  Letting go of relationships is never easy, but making the goal of creating a healthy environment for ourselves and our families makes these difficult decisions necessary.

     Everyone wants.  Especially me.  If I let myself work it through and not act impulsively, eventually I will talk myself straight, but surrounding myself with healthy friendships is a requirement for this healthy behavior.  The more I celebrate what I have, the happier I am.