Why is it that just before my birthday, the
one person who makes me feel the most insecure gets a new car? I do not need a new car or desire to spend my
emergency fund money on something other than an emergency, but right before my
birthday, if that person gets a new car, I want a new car. That little green monster starts whispering
in my ear that I am falling behind and I must keep up with those Joneses, and I,
like the insecure idiot I can be, panic, adding unnecessary, unhelpful pressure to my bubble.
In every neighborhood, there are Bad Joneses. They have thick lawns edged
with begonias, a sparkling pool, a new Escalade, bags of new clothes, and every
other item that you desire, and they tell you
about it. They judge every single item of clothing and piece of jewelry and decorative piece of fluff you own by comparing yours to theirs and giving backward compliments that translate into bragging that theirs is better. That is how they let you know they are the Bad Joneses. The Bad Joneses invite you to come sit on their picture-perfect Southern Living porches and drink iced tea with fresh mint. This lure makes them seem so nice, but their
sole purpose in life is to seem impressive to others because of the big secret they are desperately trying to keep: they do not think
they are valuable people themselves. Having this kind of presence in your life is a huge energy suck.
The pressure of meeting the Needs of our
husbands and children is a lot. We do
not need to add pressure by surrounding ourselves with the Bad Joneses who help
create a load of Wants in our heads. Keeping
up with the Bad Joneses is the main reason that families have unnecessary credit card debt.
The truth about people who want everyone to
think they “have it all” is that they don’t feel that they do. They have what they have, but the feeling of
contentment is usurped by a list of troubles and emotional baggage and
insecurities. Rather than focusing on trying to be part of a solution to a community problem (loving thy neighbor), they react to their list by negatively criticizing others to
elevate how they feel about themselves. It never works, but that is the only way they know how to handle their
insecurity. Their insecurity blinds them
to good things that happen to anyone “below them” because they are so focused
on impressing the Joneses above them.
For others who are insecure, it is easy to
become swept up in this mess. For
instance, when your kids start going to school, joining a carpool does not
require a new Cadillac Escalade to impress the Joneses. To keep your Mama Bubble intact, qualify the point of a carpool to yourself. A carpool gives each mother the opportunity
to skip sitting in traffic, save gas, and invest that time toward achieving a
goal. As a bonus, it gives the kids a
chance to socialize. However, the Joneses use a carpool
as an opportunity to brag when they stop to chat when dropping off your kiddo (“I have just GOT
to make our airline reservations for Belize or we will all get stuck in economy”). This type of conversation is a RED FLAG telling you that it is time for you to create another carpool. Honestly, it would better
serve you to drive your kids yourself than to be exposed to people with so
little self-assurance.
If you happen to live around nice people
who have nice stuff but do not brag about it, and you are feeling insecure and
jealous, you have several healthy Mama Bubble options:
a. Embrace the fact that
your vehicle is paid for and give it a good cleaning to reward it for its
faithful service
b. Turn up the volume on Queen’s
Bohemian Rhapsody and sing along with your passengers—it makes your car the “fun”
car--they will love you for it and love riding with you
c. As always, repeat the
following: I will not add pressure to my bubble
Kind, thoughtful friends who belong on
your Mother Board do not put pressure on each other to impress one another. True friends name your eight-year-old vehicle
Penelope and cheer when she only needs brake pads instead of a total overhaul
of the brake system. True friends encourage
solid behavior (saving up and paying cash for a new car) rather than damaging
behavior (telling you to just go get a new car because you deserve it).
A
good question to ask ourselves is “What is the value in my friendships?” If you notice that every time you come home from someone's house and feel badly about yourself, you need to recognize that that is not
a healthy relationship, and it is really
unhealthy to spend a lot of time pouting about a list of Wants. However, if you come home from someone's house
and you feel smart and funny and want to invite her over without worrying that the front hall needs repainting, that is a good indication that you have spent
valuable time with a friend.
If we, as mamas, are influenced by the
insecurity of others and allow that negativity to affect our decisions, how can we teach our kids to make healthy choices? What does this behavior look like to them? It models that Wants are more important than Needs and people who focus on Wants are more valuable than those who do not. Perhaps it is time to do some cleaning of the Mama’s soul and stop
allowing the Bad Joneses to use her as a tool to temporarily prop up themselves. Letting go of relationships is never easy, but making the goal of creating a healthy environment for ourselves and our families makes these difficult decisions necessary.
Everyone wants. Especially me. However, more times than not, God gets ahold of my soul through a true friend, stops my damaging impulsively, and sets me straight. but surrounding myself
with healthy friendships is a requirement for this healthy behavior.
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