The Christian Grey Phenomenon

Warning: this piece is not appropriate for a Sunday morning, anyone under the age of 21...or my dad

          A very good friend asked if I had read the Fifty Shades of Grey series. Honestly, because I was now seeing it in the middle of the grocery store aisle, I had purchased the first one, but had not made it very far into the story. 

            “You HAVE to read it.  It made me absolutely crazy,” she confessed. “I had extremely vivid dreams all night long. I couldn’t sleep!” she gushed. She was one of about ten friends who were raving about it.

            “Why would you lie wriggling in your bed when you have a perfectly good husband lying right there beside you?” I asked her.

            “I can’t do that! He’d think I was nuts! Plus, he can’t do what Christian Grey can do. I'd rather just dream about a kitchen pass for him.”

            The one relationship where love is supposed to encourage and allow all truth and you are not going to share with him? The fantasy is always better than reality, however, we too often let the fantasy hinder movement forward.

                        I apologize, but I must to do this first. In my mind, there are two kinds of fiction, authentic and manipulative. Authentic fiction builds a moving story around a moral and illustrates a clear theme—I would highly recommend the fabulous examples of The Elegance of the Hedgehog or The Poisionwood Bible. Manipulative fiction has little depth, but manipulatively plays on the psychology of the reader—examples are any “chick lit” or romance novel.

The story of Christian Grey and Ana Steel is the exploitation of any teenage girl’s daydream that she is so special and so beautiful and so desirable that she inspires the unattainable bad boy to become husband material. Do not get me wrong, the book is being marketed to thirty-somethings, but the author is writing to the sixteen-year-old in all of us. The idea of being dominated releases the societal binding of “appropriate good girl behavior” to awaken the subdued carnality in us all. The manipulative brilliance of the author in using the name Christian  and making Ana a virgin invites the normally pious to read on. This series is Beauty and the Beast, Twilight, The Thorn Birds, and Gone With the Wind, only with unnecessary graphic sex. The fact that the author made the main female character an English major and used a thesaurus sporadically does not make it well-written.

However…women, especially tired mamas after a long day, can have the tendency toward being slow to warm up to their husbands. For generations, society dictated its Victorian era view of sex onto the impressionable minds of its teenage girls, suppressing their innate desires by making them think that sexual desire is “bad”. What? They are all having sex! The STD rate is skyrocketing! True, but that has everything to do with the way we were raised and the way we are raising our girls to think about sexual desire. The discomfort of the subject for the mamas casts it into the shadows, allowing us and our girls to remain silent with each other about the topic. Without understanding or knowledge, young girls in search of understanding to the awakenings in their bodies, respond to the boys’ lead, in hopes that they know what they are doing. Perhaps our girls would wait to experience sex in a healthier environment if they were encouraged to be the one to lead their partner in what is enjoyable for them. Clearly, males are not as complex as females. Most likely, they would appreciate the direction.

Perhaps the first step in changing the taboo of discussing female desire is for mamas to embrace their own. As noted, I cannot recommend the Grey books on their literary merit, but if a mama desires certain aspects of the sexual relationship Christian Grey provides, she should not wonder who will be cast as the character for the movie and keep her daydreams to herself. A good place to start would be reading enticing sections of the book aloud to her husband. After his jaw hits the floor, it may be just the key he has been searching for all along.

         

Keeping Up With The Joneses

     Why is it that just before my birthday, the one person who makes me feel the most insecure gets a new car? I do not need a new car or desire to spend my emergency fund money on something other than an emergency, but right before my birthday, if that person gets a new car, I want a new car. That little green monster starts whispering in my ear that I am falling behind and I must keep up with those Joneses, and I, like the insecure idiot I can be, panic, adding unnecessary, unhelpful pressure to my bubble. 

     In every neighborhood, there are Bad  Joneses.  They have thick lawns edged with begonias, a sparkling pool, a new Escalade, bags of new clothes, and every other item that you desire, and they tell you about it. They judge every single item of clothing and piece of jewelry and decorative piece of fluff you own by comparing yours to theirs and giving backward compliments that translate into bragging that theirs is better. That is how they let you know they are the Bad Joneses. The Bad Joneses invite you to come sit on their picture-perfect Southern Living porches and drink iced tea with fresh mint. This lure makes them seem so nice, but their sole purpose in life is to seem impressive to others because of the big secret they are desperately trying to keep: they do not think they are valuable people themselves.  Having this kind of presence in your life is a huge energy suck.

     The pressure of meeting the Needs of our husbands and children is a lot. We do not need to add pressure by surrounding ourselves with the Bad Joneses who help create a load of Wants in our heads. Keeping up with the Bad Joneses is the main reason that families have unnecessary credit card debt.  

     The truth about people who want everyone to think they “have it all” is that they don’t feel that they do. They have what they have, but the feeling of contentment is usurped by a list of troubles and emotional baggage and insecurities. Rather than focusing on trying to be part of a solution to a community problem (loving thy neighbor),  they react to their list by negatively criticizing others to elevate how they feel about themselves. It never works, but that is the only way they know how to handle their insecurity. Their insecurity blinds them to good things that happen to anyone “below them” because they are so focused on impressing the Joneses above them.

     For others who are insecure, it is easy to become swept up in this mess. For instance, when your kids start going to school, joining a carpool does not require a new Cadillac Escalade to impress the Joneses. To keep your Mama Bubble intact, qualify the point of a carpool to yourself.  A carpool gives each mother the opportunity to skip sitting in traffic, save gas, and invest that time toward achieving a goal. As a bonus, it gives the kids a chance to socialize. However, the Joneses use a carpool as an opportunity to brag when they stop to chat when dropping off your kiddo (“I have just GOT to make our airline reservations for Belize or we will all get stuck in economy”). This type of conversation is a RED FLAG telling you that it is time for you to create another carpool.  Honestly, it would better serve you to drive your kids yourself than to be exposed to people with so little self-assurance. 

     If you happen to live around nice people who have nice stuff but do not brag about it, and you are feeling insecure and jealous, you have several healthy Mama Bubble options:

a.      Embrace the fact that your vehicle is paid for and give it a good cleaning to reward it for its faithful service

b.      Turn up the volume on Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and sing along with your passengers—it makes your car the “fun” car--they will love you for it and love riding with you

c.       As always, repeat the following: I will not add pressure to my bubble

    

     Kind, thoughtful friends who belong on your Mother Board do not put pressure on each other to impress one another. True friends name your eight-year-old vehicle Penelope and cheer when she only needs brake pads instead of a total overhaul of the brake system. True friends encourage solid behavior (saving up and paying cash for a new car) rather than damaging behavior (telling you to just go get a new car because you deserve it).

       A good question to ask ourselves is “What is the value in my friendships?” If you notice that every time you come home from someone's house and feel badly about yourself, you need to recognize that that is not a healthy relationship, and it is really unhealthy to spend a lot of time pouting about a list of Wants. However, if you come home from someone's house and you feel smart and funny and want to invite her over without worrying that the front hall needs repainting, that is a good indication that you have spent valuable time with a friend.

     If we, as mamas, are influenced by the insecurity of others and allow that negativity to affect our decisions, how can we teach our kids to make healthy choices? What does this behavior look like to them? It models that Wants are more important than Needs and people who focus  on Wants are more valuable than those who do not. Perhaps it is time to do some cleaning of the Mama’s soul and stop allowing the Bad Joneses to use her as a tool to temporarily prop up themselves. Letting go of relationships is never easy, but making the goal of creating a healthy environment for ourselves and our families makes these difficult decisions necessary.

     Everyone wants. Especially me. However, more times than not, God gets ahold of my soul through a true friend, stops my damaging impulsively, and sets me straight. but surrounding myself with healthy friendships is a requirement for this healthy behavior.