Husband/Father's Day

     It is with great trepidation that I post this week’s blog.  Lots of mamas are not going to like this piece at the first read. However, the point of writing these is to make the lives of mamas better and an appreciated husband/father is going to do just that.

     I have absolutely been guilty of blowing Father’s Day. As young mother, I never had a clue as to what my husband could possibly want as a gift—it is up to us, the kids don’t really get it until they are much older. I have bought new socks and underwear, ties, golf balls, bad shirts, and (I’m not kidding) as a joke, soap-on-a-rope.  Dads don’t love massages or facials, bathrobes or shaving necessities like we think they should. Most of the time, if they want something, most dads will just go buy it for themselves; what they would consider a thoughtful gesture, so as not to burden their wives with another errand. However, we mad at them, because we have nothing to give them for Father’s Day. For a lot of wives, it is the symbol or the image, not the effectiveness of the activity that matters. That is sad.  It is very sad that as wives, we still have not figured out how to appreciate our husbands.  “But, Wait!” you say. “Father’s Day is about the kids appreciating their dads.” True, but a happy husband is a better dad.

     So what do they want?  A great deal of wives over-think the information they give us, so, after years of being one of those over-thinking wives, I came out and asked my own and some other husbands.  Here is the scoop:

      Men are simple creatures.  They want to be comfortable.  Their idea of comfortable is also simple; they wish to avoid being hungry, overly-amorous, and unappreciated. 

     So, food can be as simple as making sure their favorite cereal and milk is always available. Frequent physical love helps alleviate the feeling of being beaten up by the rest of the world and helps them to trust us. And finally, not keeping a balance on the credit card makes them feel appreciated for all that they have provided.  Sounds simple… and impossible. 

It would be so much easier if a husband felt safe enough with his wife to say, “Tonight, I want a hamburger, to have sex with you, and sleep until 10:00 tomorrow morning.”  Why does he have to tell her why he needs it before he gets it?  Marriages all over the world would instantly be better if his wife responded “You got it, babe.” 

     I know, that sounds SO backwards from what society has fed us and “why should he get it and not me, too?”  Stop trying to keep score. Again, life is not fair. At the end of your life, it might average to fifty/fifty, but at no given time is life fair.

     The answer to why he wants this would probably be revealed afterwards and is something like: he was so worried about a major meeting at work that he did not sleep well the night before, he did not get out of the hellish meeting in time for lunch, and the boss yelled at him in front of his peers. Why does he have to go through all of that humiliation with his wife all over again, immediately after a really crappy day?  Because society told us he should. So instead of being honest and asking for what he wants,  he stuffs the bad day and tries to function as best he can, ending up being grouchy, for which he is rewarded with harsh words and no sex. The sad result is, after years of stuffing it, they quit. Unfortunately, I have too many examples of men who have gone flying out the door in grossly spectacular ways. A big reason for this is that we give the very dregs of our energy and attitude to our husbands. The excuse of being irritated that they don’t understand us has got to end. They don’t get us. The truth is, they never will and don’t have to. We are totally different creatures meant to compliment the characteristics, abilities, and spiritual gifts of the other. I like reading to the kids, he likes teaching them how to throw a baseball. I could not possibly be the mama that I am if I had to do all of the things that my husband does to support me and these kids.  I hear you grumbling out there.  I know, the same goes for them, but it’s the Father’s Day blog.

      Marriage is hard. On my wedding day, I asked my grandmother how she and my grandfather stayed married and still loved each other. She got a strange grin on her face and said, “You do it one day at a time.” Annoyed by her flippant answer, I blew it off…until I understood. Sometimes it’s all you can do to be and stay married for the next five minutes, so one day at a time IS the best approach. Society has fed us a philosophy that men and women should be able to understand each other and be empathetic and talk everything to death. Why? I don’t know the reason why I do what I do in the heated moment of doing it and I cannot articulate what I think half of the time. How can he possibly understand me when I don’t?? Theory is not worth the paper it is written on if the practice of the theory does not work.

     What we are going for here is a more peaceful existence for ourselves, husbands, and kiddos. As mamas, we want to give our children a solid foundation without them having to split Christmas Day into two sessions, allowing time for travel in between. The only way to do that is to be a wife.

Father’s Day Gift Number One: Plan to have a date with your husband every two weeks

     I hear you whining, "Whyyyyyy? Why do I have to pay for a babysitter and do my hair and put on a dress just to date my husband who leaves his socks on the floor and doesn't come home for dinner when I told him what time it would be ready and plays Halo until two in the morning?"  Because if you make the effort to tear yourself out of the mommy role to look nice and share a small space and a dinner or a movie with the person you promised to love, honor, and cherish in front of God and everybody, you will like him more. And vice versa. 

            Gift Two: Stop expecting your husband to be your Mother Board

     Most husbands don’t have much to say after being at work all day. On average, women have a bank of 20,000 words a day and men have about 7,000 (Brizendine, Louann. The Female Brain, 2006). They have to talk at work or be fired, but by the time they get home, they have used up a good portion of their words. We talk as we process through our thinking. They do not. They need quiet for their processing. Do you have a husband who disappears into the bathroom the moment he walks in the door? He isn’t avoiding you and the kids, he’s processing. Don’t holler that dinner is ready—let the man poop!

     A great deal of frustration happens in communicating with our husbands. As a rule, they cannot follow our thinking. A lot of my friends have complained that their husbands don’t talk to them.  What they mean is that their husbands don’t listen to them or understand what they are thinking. At this point, we need to ask ourselves, “Why do they need to know everything we are thinking? What does that accomplish?” Truthfully, we don’t know what we are thinking most of the time and the way we process it is so complex that a man’s point A to point B brain cannot follow it anyway. Women LOVE to figure out what they think and why they think it with each other. It is our role as friends.

Husband-Speak      

     Yes, there are things that have to be discussed.  So, when dealing with the business side of family life, it is more important that you know what you think than it is for you to figure it out in front of your husband.  Instead of beginning a conversation:

“We need to talk about money for college” and having no other information to offer confuses them. If you start with: “Michael’s college is going to cost $147,000 and we have nine years to save it. I want to put six hundred and eighty-five dollars per month into ABC mutual fund starting next week.” That gives him the problem and your solution to the problem. Now you have a place where you can begin an effective discussion, because you have laid out the path you want to take in reaching the desired goal. 

     If you just want to tell him that you love and appreciate him, he will always understand “You put gas in my car for me? I want you bad,” and “I love this car. Thank you.”

     It is a terrifying moment to discover that a husband has checked out. Most of the time, it is because of miscommunication on both sides, but the only side we can control is our own. If we can figure out a way to feed, love, and respect our husbands in their terms, there is no better Father’s Day gift than that.