The Needs Quiz

Quick review.  According to the Mother Board Handbook, in a nutshell, our needs are water, air, food, shelter, sleep, medical treatment, physical activity, an honest, loving relationship with our spouses, and one real friend. Necessary clothing is important, but nothing dies if you don’t have it. Everything else comes after. 

       It may be time to re-arrange your order of importance. A few basic carbohydrates do not a good day make.  If a person cannot sleep undisturbed because they are being awakened by small children and sharing their bed with said beasties, that person will not be able to think clearly the next day.  If the house has a leak that goes unfixed because the credit card limit has been met with a family vacation to Disneyworld to keep up with the damn Joneses, the safety of the family is uncertain.  If we argue ineffectively with our husbands, it puts everyone on edge and sits at the forefront of our kids' minds, blocking their ability to mature.  If a mama gets liposuction, but does not fill her refrigerator with fresh vegetables, there is no Mama Bubble in place.  Needs are needs.  They must be filled for the mama to be a healthy example for the kids.

Fill in the blank or circle one of the following:

Water

1. I drink about _________ glasses of plain water per day.  I think my body needs_______ glasses of water per day.

2. I shower AS OFTEN or NOT AS OFTEN as I would like.

Air

3. I  DO or DO NOT    take time to breathe deeply when things get hectic.

4. I    DO or DO NOT    get out of my house into the fresh air.

Food

5. I eat ________ servings of vegetables and fruit every day.  I think my body needs

________ servings of vegetables and fruit every day.

6. I    DO or DO NOT    plan balanced, healthy menus for myself and my family.

Shelter

7. My home    IS or IS NOT    safe for me and my family.

Sleep

8. I    DO or DO NOT    sleep soundly through the night.

Medical Treatment

9.    I know my cholesterol, thyroid, and hormone levels

10.   I      KNOW or DO NOT KNOW the results of my pap smear

11.   I      HAVE or HAVE NOT had my mammogram in the last twelve months.

12.   I       AM or AM NOT  up to date on my dental checkups and procedures.

Physical Activity

13. I exercise ______ hours per week.  I think my body needs ______ hours of exercise per week.

An honest, loving relationship with my spouse

14. I spend ______% of my time thinking about the good things about my spouse and ______% on what I would like to be different about him.

15. I told him Thank You ______ times today. 

 One Real Friend

16. The one person I can count on to be honest with me, even if I get mad for a little while, is

            _______________________________________________________

So, are you content with your answers?  

No?  Okay, change one thing that would make you feel content.

     Something to think about before you write down what you would change:

     Water is the best drink ever.  It helps flush the toxins out of your system without adding very many new ones to it--unlike colas or processed energy drinks. 

     If you are one of the thousands of new moms with an infant, you are one of thousands of moms with a new infant who lives with baby urp on the front of her shirt and in her hair.  These days are over in the blink of an eye, so when your baby is ready for his morning cat nap, put him in his crib (I know, you really like holding him when he sleeps, but remember, a shower is something that will make you feel human and benefit the others living with you), and go wash your hair.  The monitor works the bathroom, I promise.   If you are the proud parent of a clinging two-year-old, it is time to set a boundary. Is there a safe place for your child to watch a Barney DVD for 15 minutes that is within earshot of a shower stall?   Put a snack in a kiddo bowl, fill the sippy cup, and turn on the DVD. Put up a gate to the door of the safe place and tell your child that you are going to have your bath. If she screams the entire time, at least you know where she is.

     *Keep a bar of white soap under your bathroom sink to treat the stains on your shirt while you wait for the water to heat. 

To feel content about Water

_________________________________________________________________________

     Oxygen helps the brain think more clearly (Brizendine M.D., The Female Brain ).  If you react without breathing, then your decisions most likely are not going to have the desired effect.  Stopping and taking four deep breaths may feel like eternity, but it will save you in the long run.

     Yes, you can carve out time outside for yourself.  Small steps.  “I want to make my front yard look pretty” is totally doable.  Rome was not built in a day, but five thirty-minute sessions should have you feeling a lot better about your front flower beds. If you have to have your kiddos with you, haul the port-a-crib outside and throw some netting over it—babies love watching bugs fly around as long as they don’t touch or eat them.  If they aren’t babies, you can hand them the weeds to put into the trash bag or give them the small hand trowel to loosen the dirt.  You are not trying to make your yard perfect for others walking by, you are trying to take care of yourself.  Want fresh squash?  Buy a small plant at the nursery and remember to water it--they are incredibly prolific.

Air __________________________________________________________________________

     “I get fast food all of the time or we eat out a lot because I don’t remember to pull the meat out of the freezer” has to be the one thing I hear the most. 

     *Set an alarm on your phone or clock radio in the kitchen every morning to check your menu and take out the meat.  Write down the vegetables you need from the store.  Simple small steps will make your life easier.  Again, buy a squash plant.  If you are feeling really adventurous, buy a tomato plant and a cage--your kids with think that growing food in the backyard is the coolest thing ever.

     If one eats only a pop-tart for breakfast, there cannot be great accomplishment at work or school.

Food ________________________________________________________________________

     A safe place to sleep is the most important goal of a shelter.  Deadbolts must work.  Gas cannot leak.  Furniture and televisions cannot topple over onto toddlers.  Dogs cannot bite.  These are some of the things that must be attended to for you to have peace.  If your request is going to be cosmetic in nature, move on. 

Shelter_______________________________________________________________________

     You must sleep.  Children who wake up and come to your bed in the middle of the night must be placed back into their own bed.  Period.  Now that you are changing their routine, it will take a few nights of firm boundary setting, but this must be accomplished for you to function.

     A snoring husband needs medical attention.  You can try over-the-counter remedies, but you must be honest with him and say out loud that his snoring is causing you to not function effectively (i.e. forgetting things he needs).

Sleep________________________________________________________________________

     Yes, your health is important to your entire family and if you neglect yourself now, it will make your older age miserable.  Even the airlines tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first, before securing your child’s.  Small things turn into big things if left unattended, especially teeth!  “I have no money for that” can be handled with putting fifty dollars into an envelope every month to cover these checkups or your doctors may have payment plans if you need to see them immediately.  A small infection can lead to a major infection that can put you into the hospital which can cause MAJOR financial issues.  Do not be penny-wise and pound-foolish.

Medical Treatment_____________________________________________________________

     If you want to write down that a marathon is your goal, you had better be able to run five miles with no problem right now otherwise you are about to put up a giant road block. 

     Set a realistic goal if you are a slug right this minute.  Think Cardiovascular health.  “I want to run two miles three times a week” is a reachable goal for a slug.  Yes, you feel like a fraud at the beginning, but people who run regularly will cheer you on in their minds as they see you struggling at the beginning and other slugs will think you are better than they are for just getting out there.  Pick a light post.  Slowly run to it.  Catch your breath.  Pick the next one down the street.  Make your way around your neighborhood for two miles.  The next time, your body will remember what you did and react more favorably, and within six weeks, you will be running the entire thing and thinking about where to get the money for smaller shorts.

Physical Activity________________________________________________________________

     If you spend ninety percent of your time thinking about the ten percent that is not good in your marriage, you are like most of the wives in the world.  Do you want your husband thinking the same way about you?  When was the last time you initiated something sexual?  “He doesn’t treat me the way I want to be treated” is only blocking you from having a better relationship with him.  This one takes additional mental conviction (especially if you work outside the home, too), but see what response you get when you tell him “Thank you for going to that job and supporting all of this for the kids and for me.”

An honest, loving relationship with your spouse________________________________________

     If you called this person and told her that you feel like you have fallen off of a cliff into a very dark place, what would that person say?  Is the person you wrote down capable of attending to the statement, or would she brush it off with “Oh, you’re okay.  Everyone has bad days.  Let’s go shopping.”  A real friend would ask “How long have you felt this way?” and if it is longer than a couple of weeks, she would tell you it is time to go see your doctor.  She would hand you your phone and stand there while you made the appointment and then keep your kids when you go.  Husbands and sisters can be the best friends of your life.  Do not discount their value.

One real friend____________________________________________________________________

     Nothing is perfect and everyone has areas of their Needs that need attention.  Do not let the overwhelming idea of "perfect" paralyze you into not moving forward at all.  Make your list and make time in your day to attend to the improvements you desire. 

Permission to copy is granted by the author for personal use only.

Copyright 2012, Nancy Bellamy Jones

Great Expectations

   What was the goal in having children?  Why give so much time and energy to someone else?  If you have never considered that question, it might be a good time to think about it.  I did not have a valid goal when I had my kids.  But now that my kids are moving toward adulthood, my goal is to release considerate, capable, emotionally functioning adults into the world who will affect positive change.  In other words, no slackers.
     Parents hate it when their kids underacheive.  Not only is it embarassing to have  to go to a meeting at school because your relatively-smart kid is failing a class, but it is scary to know that bad grades limit a child's college choices and a lifetime of opportunities.  If both parents made it through high school, they know that for a relatively-smart kid, getting good grades does not take a lot of effort.  It feels like everyone else's kid is in the National Honor Society and their kid is a total slacker.  This makes parents crazy.  What motivates our kids? Ah, that is the question.

The Carrot and the Stick

       An evening carriage driver in New York has to make three hundred dollars per night to avoid a day job.  A horse does not want to pull a carriage through crowded streets.  The driver of the carriage uses two tactics to achieve his goal.  To motivate the horse forward, he hangs a carrot on a stick in front of the horse.  Always happy for a snack, the horse moves toward the carrot.  If the horse slows down, the driver gives him a whack on his shank with a stick.  Startled by the sting, the horse moves away from the stick.  Either way, the carriage is pulled through the streets of NY.

    Well, I'm not going to smack my kid every time I want her to do the dishes or finish her homework.   No, but you know what your child wants.  

     Freshman Greta says intelligent things, asks intelligent questions, and every so often when she is engaged in an assignment, her eyes sparkle with ideas.  Most of the time, Greta is buried in her Facebook page or texting with her friends.  Her homework assignments are mostly finished on time, but are haphazard and sloppy.  She scrapes by with an 82 overall average.  Frustrated and knowing that high school grades are the most important item on college admission criteria, Greta’s parents put her on a study schedule.  When she ignores it, they take away her cell phone, then her computer, and finally television time.  Greta is now irritated with her parents and completely unmotivated. 

     Greta’s parents’ plan has backfired on them.  Any of this ringing a bell?

Step One: Figure out what motivates your child

     No one knows a kid’s motivations better than a parent, because their kid is constantly asking for things.  For Greta, the best carrot her parents can use is that she loves going to all of the school athletic events, parties, and spending time with her friends. 

     Studies show that learning new pieces of music helps children grasp math concepts.  Greta hated band in middle school and begged to be allowed to take dance instead.  The best stick they can use is the decision to put her back into the school’s band program for her sophomore year “to help her brain to function.” 

Step Two:  Set realistic expectations. 

A parent is only setting their child up for failure and themselves for frustration if they demand straight A's when the child has never acheived that in the past.    

Greta’s grades for the first semester were:

Algebra           80

Biology           82

Geography      74

Dance             95

Fresh. Course  90

Health             80

Spanish I        78

English           77

     Greta has never gotten higher than an 83 on an Algebra test and 85 on the homework (mostly she earns high seventies), so her average is an 80.  Her parents think that if she applies herself, she can get an average of 90 on her tests and a 93 on the homework, which would give her an overall average of 92.  But, looking at her past record, they compromise and set her target at an average of 85 on tests with a 90 on all homework for an average of 88.  This goal is reachable with effort.   They do this for each class.  Her parents’ goal was a bit too lofty and could have kept her unmotivated.  The process of compromise gave Greta ownership of the goal.  She has evidence that her parents are listening to her which helps to heal the relationship.  Keep in mind that the most important aspect is realistic expectations.

     Every time Greta wants to attend an event, she will log onto her school’s website and show her parents her grades.  If she has met the expectation, she gets to go, if not, she does not.  If she hits the target for all of her classes she does not have to go back to band next year.  Having this structure in place eliminates all screaming by her parents and sulking by Greta.  At the beginning of every semester, the process will begin again.  It is imperative that Greta and her parents set realistic expectations that motivate her to grow her brain.  If she is working hard (i.e. not constantly on Facebook while doing homework, asking for real help with specific problems, etc..) and not reaching the goal, then the expectations can be lowered.  It is imperative that her parents check up on how she is approaching the goal.  If she is still messing around when she has homework, her mom should take a photo to show proof that she was on Facebook when she was supposed to be studying and flash that at her when she insistes that she DID work hard.

     The concept of realistic expectations can be applied to household chores.  If kids have never done a job and don't understand all of the components of the job, they cannot possibly do it thoroughly or well.  Breaking down a job into specific expectations makes doing the job successfully much easier.  Telling the child "clean the kitchen" is not a great direction if he does not have a blueprint of what a "clean kitchen" requires.  Once he understands all of the components, there can never be that wide-eyed "You never told me" look again.


     This system is also an inadvertant Mama Bubble.  Mamas are doing too much for their kids to "help them." Homework is a review of what the teacher already taught--don't let them tell you that the teacher did not teach it in class--teachers have to turn in their lesson plans and spend most of their time talking to children who are texting each other on their phones under the desk.  If Greta was not paying attention in class, it is not her mother's job to learn the material and re-teach it to her. She needs to get the 54 on the homework. Benjamin Franklin said, "The things that hurt, instruct."  You must refrain from jumping in at the end to save your child from failure.  This process works only if you tell yourself and your kiddo that you will not be doing their homework for her or running around at the end of the semester to do extra-credit projects, so that she does not have to go back into band.  

If a child does not have the opportunity to experience the fact that work equals accomplishment, she does not know how strong, smart, or capable she really is. 

    

    

Per Request: Sibling Rivalry

     Sibling Rivalry is a topic most families must deal with, but rarely does one hear it as a regular topic of conversation at Wine Night.  No one really wants other people to know that their kids are perfectly dreadful to each other and say the most horrible things, especially when they do it right in front of their mama!  Even four and six-year-olds!

     “That’s mine!  You’re a Poophead!”  “Oh, yea?  Well, you’re a Butthead Fartacus!”  It’s embarrassing.  How can children who are reared with such unrestrained love treat the very people they are supposed to love the most with such distain?  In a word, jealousy.  Every child wishes that they were their parents’ only child, receiving all of the energy, attention, time, and financial resources for themselves.  Truthfully, who would want to share any of that with another person?  They know we are full of it--sharing is not fun.  Sharing is a pain in the butt.  But as they grow up and out and have families of their own, having to share continues when visiting parents/grandparents and who gets the “good room” and who was given what piece of furniture for their new house, blah, blah, etc…This rubs raw on past injustices.  Worse will be the dividing of responsibilities toward caretaking of aged parents and dividing of their estates.  Life requires practice.

     God willing, your children will spend an additional twenty-five years with each other than they will with you, so the relationship they build has lifelong consequences. 

   “Great, my kids already hate each other.” 

     I hear you, most do.  There is no way to guarantee that they will be friends, but the truth is that siblings must deal with each other for, hopefully, the entirety of their lives, so they may as well be given the best chance to learn to deal effectively with one another.

Introducing New Babies to the Fold

     There is nothing fun about an infant brother or sister to a small child. At first glance, they are about as exciting as a new lamp and less useful.  They cry for the tiniest reasons, everyone who paid attention to the small child now pays attention to the infant, and nothing runs on the same schedule as it did before.  It is exasperating for a three-year-old, so to have the same people who are cooing and smiling at the new baby look over at her and ask “What do you think of your new sister?” is insulting. 

     What mamas want is for their children is to love each other, protect, play, and be best friends to one another, right?  Ain’t gonna happen.  What parents need to go for initially is apathy. 

     Before you go to the hospital, think of a toy your older child has been begging for you to buy him.  You may have to set him up with a trip to the toy store to buy a small puzzle as a ruse to find out if he is dying for something—“dying” for something looks like: holding it while following you from aisle to aisle, or begging, crying, throwing a fit over it.  This only works if he is emotionally attached to something.  Buy it without him knowing and hide it.  When the baby comes home, your older child should be elsewhere with Grandma or a neighbor—the park, out to lunch, a movie, something fun.  This allows you get home, settled, and ready without a big scene.  Set up the meeting place in a neutral part of the house, where the baby can be in a pop-up bed or Moses basket nearby and put the desired toy next to the sleeping infant—they all sleep for about three days before becoming milk vampires, remember?  You need to be sitting and comfortable like nothing unusual is going on.  As your older child enters, take him into your arms for a big hug and ask him if he had fun at the park. (Don’t ask if he missed you—of course he did--that is bringing up a negative—we are only being positive).  He answers yes and tells you that he missed you and you say nonchalantly, “I’m back.  I’m so glad to see you,” smooch, smooch, ear nibbles, zerbert his neck, as if he just came home from school.  No biggie.  As you chat about the park, he will see the baby and the toy and connect the two as both positives.  You tell him that the toy is from his baby sister to him, because she is so glad to have him as her big brother.  It is imperative that he hears this said clearly and only once (if you repeat yourself, he starts to feel like you are hammering the point and won’t believe you—little kids are more intuitive than we give them credit for being).

     In the next few weeks, NEVER ask what he thinks about the baby or if he likes the baby, he does not have enough information or words to express it yet.  When he has an opinion, you’ll know it.  Life changes and it is a good idea to prepare children, but with toddlers, it is best not to discuss something to death.  The less you draw attention to the new baby, the more comfortable they will be with the baby.

     “Well, it would have been helpful to know that one five years ago.  My kids are 5 and 8 and fight constantly. Now what do I do?”  The answer: nothing.

Yep.  Here is another Mama Bubble for you to draw around yourself:

     When the children come screaming for you because the little one took the big one’s juice box or the big one called the little one a “baby,” your new answer is, “Go work it out.  I was not there.  I do not need to know.  Go back to the playroom.  No hitting.”

     How often do you file a complaint in court?  Probably never is pretty close to the truth.  If you have a problem with someone, do you always need a mediator?  No.  Children will never learn hold their own against the world if they do not have the wherewithal to do it within their own four walls.

     Since mine were old enough to argue, we have sent them into a neutral location to have it out.  The only rule was that they could not hit each other.  Listening to how they learned to explain and compromise their way through a dispute  has become kind of an event.  I do listen from the other room and occasionally, after a few hours have passed and tempers have settled, give a critique of their performance and ask how they could have avoided the confrontation.

     Time to throw my own kids under the bus: My youngest daughter (kiddo #3) has the nickname “Ferret.”  If anyone in the house is missing something (tape dispenser, markers, socks, makeup brushes, etc…) it has most likely been ferreted up the stairs to her room and is neatly organized on a shelf in Ferret’s room.  She “stores” anything that does not have a specific person’s name on it, happy to share, but she likes having the stuff in her room.  Where there are three of the same sex in one family, the third daughter always seems to come up with an interesting role for herself.  Daughter #2, aka “Tech Girl” (loves gadgets) was missing her labeler.  No one in the house had seen the item, so the first place TG looked was in Ferret’s room and guess what?  Yep—displayed beside a coffee mug containing every missing pencil in the house was the pilfered item. 

     Ah-HA!  TG pounced, bellowing at Ferret at such length and volume that the dog sought his hiding place under the kitchen table and I had to pause so that I could monitor the show.  Ferret raged back, arguing that it was left on the floor no question this part is true and the dog had been chewing it, so she took it from him to save it, besides the finders-keepers rule overrides personal property law if left for an extended length of time.  Boo-yahh!  A few moments later, the labeler was returned to its original owner along with the insulting suggestion from her four-years-younger sibling that she take better care of her things.  Doors slammed all over the upstairs, but in twenty minutes, both were downstairs on the sofa, laughing at Wipeout and sharing a bowl of popcorn.  Since then, the labeler has been used by not only Ferret, but the other kiddos, too.  They learn.  Occasionally one will slip and come tattling, but no one comes to seek my help.  They don’t need it and I’m not helpful.  I laugh.  I think it’s hysterically funny and take notes for future novels, so they may as well handle it themselves without getting abused by my teasing.

     When you first implement this change, your children will not like this.  They will try desperately to get you on their side, pulling out every memorable infraction the other child has committed.  They will accuse you of not caring.  Give them the death stare, then dismiss them from your space.

     Having children capable of sharing is one of those pinnacle goals that practice over time will yield.   As mamas, a large part of our job is allowing our kids to fail where it is safe, so they can have success when we are not there to zerbert their necks.

Husband/Father's Day

     It is with great trepidation that I post this week’s blog.  Lots of mamas are not going to like this piece at the first read. However, the point of writing these is to make the lives of mamas better and an appreciated husband/father is going to do just that.

     I have absolutely been guilty of blowing Father’s Day. As young mother, I never had a clue as to what my husband could possibly want as a gift—it is up to us, the kids don’t really get it until they are much older. I have bought new socks and underwear, ties, golf balls, bad shirts, and (I’m not kidding) as a joke, soap-on-a-rope.  Dads don’t love massages or facials, bathrobes or shaving necessities like we think they should. Most of the time, if they want something, most dads will just go buy it for themselves; what they would consider a thoughtful gesture, so as not to burden their wives with another errand. However, we mad at them, because we have nothing to give them for Father’s Day. For a lot of wives, it is the symbol or the image, not the effectiveness of the activity that matters. That is sad.  It is very sad that as wives, we still have not figured out how to appreciate our husbands.  “But, Wait!” you say. “Father’s Day is about the kids appreciating their dads.” True, but a happy husband is a better dad.

     So what do they want?  A great deal of wives over-think the information they give us, so, after years of being one of those over-thinking wives, I came out and asked my own and some other husbands.  Here is the scoop:

      Men are simple creatures.  They want to be comfortable.  Their idea of comfortable is also simple; they wish to avoid being hungry, overly-amorous, and unappreciated. 

     So, food can be as simple as making sure their favorite cereal and milk is always available. Frequent physical love helps alleviate the feeling of being beaten up by the rest of the world and helps them to trust us. And finally, not keeping a balance on the credit card makes them feel appreciated for all that they have provided.  Sounds simple… and impossible. 

It would be so much easier if a husband felt safe enough with his wife to say, “Tonight, I want a hamburger, to have sex with you, and sleep until 10:00 tomorrow morning.”  Why does he have to tell her why he needs it before he gets it?  Marriages all over the world would instantly be better if his wife responded “You got it, babe.” 

     I know, that sounds SO backwards from what society has fed us and “why should he get it and not me, too?”  Stop trying to keep score. Again, life is not fair. At the end of your life, it might average to fifty/fifty, but at no given time is life fair.

     The answer to why he wants this would probably be revealed afterwards and is something like: he was so worried about a major meeting at work that he did not sleep well the night before, he did not get out of the hellish meeting in time for lunch, and the boss yelled at him in front of his peers. Why does he have to go through all of that humiliation with his wife all over again, immediately after a really crappy day?  Because society told us he should. So instead of being honest and asking for what he wants,  he stuffs the bad day and tries to function as best he can, ending up being grouchy, for which he is rewarded with harsh words and no sex. The sad result is, after years of stuffing it, they quit. Unfortunately, I have too many examples of men who have gone flying out the door in grossly spectacular ways. A big reason for this is that we give the very dregs of our energy and attitude to our husbands. The excuse of being irritated that they don’t understand us has got to end. They don’t get us. The truth is, they never will and don’t have to. We are totally different creatures meant to compliment the characteristics, abilities, and spiritual gifts of the other. I like reading to the kids, he likes teaching them how to throw a baseball. I could not possibly be the mama that I am if I had to do all of the things that my husband does to support me and these kids.  I hear you grumbling out there.  I know, the same goes for them, but it’s the Father’s Day blog.

      Marriage is hard. On my wedding day, I asked my grandmother how she and my grandfather stayed married and still loved each other. She got a strange grin on her face and said, “You do it one day at a time.” Annoyed by her flippant answer, I blew it off…until I understood. Sometimes it’s all you can do to be and stay married for the next five minutes, so one day at a time IS the best approach. Society has fed us a philosophy that men and women should be able to understand each other and be empathetic and talk everything to death. Why? I don’t know the reason why I do what I do in the heated moment of doing it and I cannot articulate what I think half of the time. How can he possibly understand me when I don’t?? Theory is not worth the paper it is written on if the practice of the theory does not work.

     What we are going for here is a more peaceful existence for ourselves, husbands, and kiddos. As mamas, we want to give our children a solid foundation without them having to split Christmas Day into two sessions, allowing time for travel in between. The only way to do that is to be a wife.

Father’s Day Gift Number One: Plan to have a date with your husband every two weeks

     I hear you whining, "Whyyyyyy? Why do I have to pay for a babysitter and do my hair and put on a dress just to date my husband who leaves his socks on the floor and doesn't come home for dinner when I told him what time it would be ready and plays Halo until two in the morning?"  Because if you make the effort to tear yourself out of the mommy role to look nice and share a small space and a dinner or a movie with the person you promised to love, honor, and cherish in front of God and everybody, you will like him more. And vice versa. 

            Gift Two: Stop expecting your husband to be your Mother Board

     Most husbands don’t have much to say after being at work all day. On average, women have a bank of 20,000 words a day and men have about 7,000 (Brizendine, Louann. The Female Brain, 2006). They have to talk at work or be fired, but by the time they get home, they have used up a good portion of their words. We talk as we process through our thinking. They do not. They need quiet for their processing. Do you have a husband who disappears into the bathroom the moment he walks in the door? He isn’t avoiding you and the kids, he’s processing. Don’t holler that dinner is ready—let the man poop!

     A great deal of frustration happens in communicating with our husbands. As a rule, they cannot follow our thinking. A lot of my friends have complained that their husbands don’t talk to them.  What they mean is that their husbands don’t listen to them or understand what they are thinking. At this point, we need to ask ourselves, “Why do they need to know everything we are thinking? What does that accomplish?” Truthfully, we don’t know what we are thinking most of the time and the way we process it is so complex that a man’s point A to point B brain cannot follow it anyway. Women LOVE to figure out what they think and why they think it with each other. It is our role as friends.

Husband-Speak      

     Yes, there are things that have to be discussed.  So, when dealing with the business side of family life, it is more important that you know what you think than it is for you to figure it out in front of your husband.  Instead of beginning a conversation:

“We need to talk about money for college” and having no other information to offer confuses them. If you start with: “Michael’s college is going to cost $147,000 and we have nine years to save it. I want to put six hundred and eighty-five dollars per month into ABC mutual fund starting next week.” That gives him the problem and your solution to the problem. Now you have a place where you can begin an effective discussion, because you have laid out the path you want to take in reaching the desired goal. 

     If you just want to tell him that you love and appreciate him, he will always understand “You put gas in my car for me? I want you bad,” and “I love this car. Thank you.”

     It is a terrifying moment to discover that a husband has checked out. Most of the time, it is because of miscommunication on both sides, but the only side we can control is our own. If we can figure out a way to feed, love, and respect our husbands in their terms, there is no better Father’s Day gift than that.

Needs, Sleep, and Drawing the Mama Bubble

Theory: Always put your child’s needs before your own.

     First, let's re-define a "need."  A need, as defined by the Mama Bubble Dictionary is something that one cannot live effectively without: air, water, food, shelter, sleep, and medical treatment if your leg has been severed.   If you are a child growing up in the Jones home, your list continues with: an education, laughter, and scream-therapy pillows. 

     As moms, we give. Despite the endless crying, sleepless nights, and poopy diapers, we cannot give enough love to these little miracle creatures who emerge from our bodies and head off too quickly into the world with half of our souls stuffed in their back pockets. We do not require or expect reciprocation for our efforts. We give life and love which honors our mothers, who first gave us life and love.

     With God’s exuberant joy we give over our bodies to produce them, our breasts to nourish them, our careers to care for them, and our sleep to comfort them.  We give over our minds to determine how best to console, teach, and inspire them.  Every day of our lives becomes related to theirs and seeking the revelations of their growth, intelligence, and ability.   We want our children to achieve even more desperately than we want ourselves to achieve.  So much so, that we show them time and time again how something is to be done.  The truth is that we are actually doing it for them.   

     The idea of sacrificing for our children is well-established in our society, as it was only a hundred years ago that mothers went hungry, so that their children could eat.  Nearly every family history has a story of parents sacrificing their own welfare or enjoyment for their kids to go to college or see the world or live their dreams.  Giving is what we do, but the boundary line between enough and too much has a different location for each child. We, as mamas, are not necessarily great judges of where that boundary should lie.    

     It begins with sleep.  At some point between the ages of six months and one year, each of my children went from needing me in the middle of the night to wanting me in the middle of the night.  It was something in their cries that alerted my husband to the change.  A “need cry” is very different from a “want cry”; both are alarming if you are a first-time parent.  A need cry starts off loud and high-pitched without breaks.  A want cry is a whining that becomes more insistent with breaks to see if it has had an effect. 

     “She’s just complaining,” he told me as I started to get out of bed.  “She just wants you to come get her.”

     “What?” I looked at him like he was crazy.  “She doesn’t know the difference.” 

     Oh, but she did.  Now that I have been decreasingly manipulated by my own four kiddos, I believe children are born with the innate understanding of the maternal human spirit.  What the heck does that mean?  It means that they’ve got our number. There is a moment for every human being when they figure out: “If I cry, Mama comes.”  The first step in their developing brains is to test that theory and the next logical step is to use it.  It is not malicious.  It is brilliant. 

     What is keeping mamas from stopping this manipulation?  As a mama, do I want to go in there?  Absolutely.  They smell so fabulously sweet and feel so soft in their little cotton-footed jammies.  It makes your heart melt into a big ole puddle, but… I'm going to ruin the moment for you…your presence will only stimulate them into a wakeful period that will become WIDE awake, disallowing the experience of self-soothing.  Precious babies, as soft and warm as they are, need their sleep, too.  They need to experience the awareness that they are capable of handling this first challenge themselves.  Nothing breeds self-confidence in a person more than accomplishment. It is a shame that a light does not automatically flash when this moment of understanding occurs to demand that mamas acknowledge this connection in their baby’s brain.  Lots of mamas yep, I was one of them continue to believe that their children need them long after they don’t.

          It doesn’t end with sleep.  A "want" is anything other than a need.  When I was a toddler, I tried to talk my mother into buying a piece of candy for me by saying, "Mama, I neeeed this!"  Saying "I need" about an "I want" can have a lot of power over a novice mama. 

     I cannot count the times I tied shoes, did a homework problem, made a bed “correctly,” made a play date, and took homework to the school-all jobs my children were perfectly capable of doing once they struggled through it.  By giving my kids my time and my memory, I did not give them a reason to tap into their own.  Giving to others is a blessing for us, but giving to someone who does not need it only delays their development.  Present-day mothers are expanding their roles and their perceived value much like the value of internet stocks of the late nineties and the housing bubble of late.  We have filled our schedules with what we assume are "needs" when most of our time is actually affected by "wants."  Does this give us joy or give our kids inspiration?  Or does this cause us stress and our kids to ignore their own creative ability?  I am not going into why we do it, as every mama has her own backstory.  What must be addressed is the effect it has on them and on us.

     Having to discern that something is a problem, then solving that problem is the single greatest accomplishment in learning.  Kids will tell you that Edison failed two thousand times (not a substantiated figure) to create a working light bulb.  The point being, every time someone tries something that doesn’t work, they learn in the failure.  In fact, I believe that failure is a more effective teacher than success.  How many times will a child touch a hot stove without an oven mitt?  How many times will a baker mistake salt for sugar before making cupcakes?  How many times will a child forget his permission slip when the consequence is that he has to miss the field trip?   I hear you, “It is just easier and faster to tie those shoes myself.  He won’t trip and fall and knock out his teeth.”   One industrious person replaced the laces with Velcro.  Definitely a time-saver, but what did that do?  It gave us a bunch of kids who can’t tie their own shoes!

     Mamas of babies six months old or older, draw your Mama Bubble right here.  Mamas regularly need eight hours of sleep, so that they are capable of being patient with their children, drive safely, and have the ability to find important vocabulary words in the back of their brains.  If you do not have repaired neurons, you will not have the capacity to reach to the back of your brain to find the information you must have to rear healthy children.  Needing eight hours of sleep is not being selfish.

    This country and all of its glorious inventions was born on the backs of children who grew up with “not enough” and with mamas who did not do it for them.  If there is no discomfort, there is no reason to change.

     As you watch your babies fuss with the cardboard pages of their toddler books or labor over a nearly-shredded–from-erasing homework sheet or toil late into the night over an English paper they put off until the last minute, embrace the moment.  Do not show her, again.  Say: “You can figure that out,” give her a confident wink, and go to bed. 

Sleep well, Mama